10 amazing ways to kill the hook-up mood
Whether you're not in the mood or just never want to get laid again, these 10 mood-killing methods will ensure that your genetic lineage stays put, where it belongs.
Turning the lights on and exposing the swamp beast
There's nothing that'll murder your arousal quite like the jarring realization that the person you're hooking up with is, we'll put it nicely, not nearly as attractive as the dim bar lighting would have had you believe. Seeing them in all their glory with their weirdly sagging facial skin, crazy nipple hair, and butt zits is pretty much like using a fire extinguisher to put out matchstick fire, in terms of mood-killing. So leave the lights off, or dim, if it's your first time boning the beast because everyone looks good in the dark.
Mood killing factor: 3/5
Oh snap, it looks like that garlic-beer-meat-feast you rabidly consumed earlier isn't mixing well with the vodka you used as mouthwash. Making the situation worse, you've got dry mouth from all that legal weed, and your mouth smells and tastes like hot garbage. Do yourself a favor and don't ever assume that your breath is okay; a healthy amount of paranoia regarding this subject will keep the horniness levels on high. Drinking plenty of water and brushing your teeth and tongue two or three times a day should keep the hell breath at bay, but just in case, carry some Tic Tacs around like they were precious jewels.
Mood killing factor: 5/5
Talking about your girlfriend or boyfriend
If you're in the throes of passion, saying something like "My boyfriend's dick is bigger than yours" or "I'm going to pretend you're my girlfriend so I can get through this without crying" will take things from hot to sub-zero faster than you can say "You have a boyfriend?!" So do us all a favor and just hold off on that revelation for now.
Mood killing factor: depends on the suckiness of said girlfriend or boyfriend
Surprise, surprise: releasing a plume of suffocating noxious gas from your butthole doesn't exactly get the juices flowing. This is especially true if you're getting head ... we'll let you figure that one out on your own. If you have to fart, and we all do sometimes, for the love of all that is holy, say you have to pee and do it in the bathroom. Farting is also the universal symbol for being a little too comfortable around someone, like you've given up and no longer need to impress them. And there's nothing quite like having someone think you're not worth not farting on to kill the mood.
Mood killing factor: 2.5/5
Like shitty bands
If you're inclined towards nauseating musical tastes, please, please, please refrain from saying the words U2, Nickelback, Green Day, King of Leon, Muse, Creed, Hoobastank, Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, T-Pain or Justin Motherfucking Bieber while you're getting it on. Leave that heartbreaking conversation for a time when your genitals are disengaged.
Mood killing factor: 3/5
Dirty talking, but sucking at it
"Let me kiss her." That was what a friend of ours heard as her boyfriend started to go down on her. Just think about that. Dirty talk, when done right, and with the right person, can be crazy hot, but if you don't know the person or you have some really weird shit to say ("Tell me I'm a bad uncle"), then leave that shit for the second date. Actually, fuck that, talking in general should be strictly prohibited during sex. Just shut up ... you've got better things to do with your mouth.
Mood killing factor: 4.5/5
Not having a condom handy
So, you've been foreplay-ing for like 45 minutes, and you can't take it anymore: you have to fuck or you'll probably die. You're this close to getting what you need when - wait, where's the condom? You open your bedside drawer and feel around, but nope, there's nothing in there but a bible with ominously hardened pages. You get up, naked, and proceed to dismantle your entire room, but you come up empty-handed. You get dressed, run down the hall, and tear apart the bathroom for a while before you realize; you don't have any fucking condoms. When you return to your now-dishevled room 45 minutes later, your partner has fallen asleep, escaped, or dried up like the Sahara. Moral of the story: always have condoms, always. Because if you don't, you'll either end up not getting laid, or with a bouncing baby boy.
Mood-killing factor: 5/5
A dirty room
When your room is messy, it looks like you don't give a fuck about life and you're probably going to suck in bed. Alternativelyy, if it's your room that's messy, it's hard to get into it when you're thinking about organizing your closet or the fact that there's more dead spiders on the floor than there is actual floor. When the place you're banging in is tidy and clean, you don't have to think about anything other than the fact that you're getting laid for the first time in six months.
Mood killing factor: 3.5/5
Finding your roommate's butt plug in the sink
Roommates are already the biggest boner-killers this world has ever seen, but when they leave little "surprises" for you around the house, it can kill the mood faster than the thought of Nic Cage having a penis. So if you're planning on bringing someone home, do it when they're gone or tell them to get the fuck out because you have sex to do.
Mood killing factor: 4/5
Not being able to find the clit
It doesn't matter what gender you are, if you don't know what you're doing in bed, you might as well just put that thing back in your pants and head home to cry in the shower. Take some time to figure out where certain body parts are located, and communicate with your partner about how they like to be touched there. Otherwise, what good are you?
Mood killing factor: 1,000,000/5