10 Cardinal rules for maintaining proper smoker etiquette

10 Cardinal rules for maintaining proper smoker etiquette

VicesJune 02, 2016

There's one in every group: the drooler, the talker, the camper. Don't be the one who ruins the smoke session. Follow these ten rules for proper smoker etiquette.

1. Drooling on the joint
Nothing is worse than taking a joint from your buddy and touching it to your lips, only to discover they must have sucked on the end of it like a goddamn Tootsie Pop. If you have the tendency to pass the joint after recently marinating it in your own saliva, make a conscious decision to hit it with consideration next time.

2. Torching the bowl
Ever hear the saying, ‘weed wasted is money wasted?’ No? Well, that’s because we just made it up, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. Holding a flame over the bowl burns more marijuana than necessary for you to obtain your desired sized hit.  Just light it, and it will stay lit, unless of course you smoke like a junior puffer.  

3. Failure to clear the bong
If you fail to clear the bong, it means one of two things:  Either you misjudged how big of a hit you planned on taking, or you’re spoiled and don’t care about wasting holy sacrament. For whatever reason, you’re either an idiot or an asshole. Just remember, there are always kids in Africa that would love to inhale the miniscule amount of vapor left over from your imperfect hit.

4. Camping
Every blazer knows at least one person who perceives the piece as more of a microphone than a smoking device. They take the opportunity to babble on about some bullshit story before ever hitting it. If this is you, you should know that nobody cares about what you have to say, considering you can’t draw people’s attention without a loaded bowl in your hand. We’re here to get high, not sympathize with your life story.

5. Selfish smoker who can’t hold a hit
If you’re taking such a big hit that you’re forced to blow it out immediately, and initiate in a coughing fit that leaves you feeling an inch away from death, you’re being greedy. You obviously aren’t skilled enough to take a Willie Nelson hit, so save part of what you would normally attempt to smoke for the rest of the circle.  

6. Avalanching
Avalanching entails exhaling into a pipe, either after a rough hit, or accidently before it; this causes the marijuana to blow straight out of the bowl. Now, everyone has to wait while you dig through the carpet fibers to salvage all that you can, and reload half of the original amount with a nice layer of dirt and dog hair. Next time, try and separate your lips from the mouthpiece before you exhale, it’s really not that difficult.

7. Not matching or requesting a blaze up
Having weed in your possession when another person smokes you up, and not contributing any of your own stash, will get you sent to Dante’s 7th Level of Hell. Nothing good in life is free, and failure to match comes at the cost of everyone knowing you’re a grade-A prick.

8. Pocketing the lighter
Very rarely do you come across a smoking circle where somebody doesn’t decide, either consciously or subconsciously, that they need to hold onto the lighter. When the blaze session is complete, the lighter provider is then forced to maintain careful observation of the group, or is compelled to ask “who jacked my fucking lighter?” No one likes a thief. If it isn’t yours, return it to the rightful owner.  

9. Not breaking up the weed
Throwing a dense nug straight into the bowl is the biggest amateur move imaginable.  If you don’t grind or break your weed apart manually before trying to smoke it, the flame has trouble igniting the contents of the bowl. This prevents you from getting a proper hit. So if you’re trying to not get high, this is the way to do it.

10. Munchies freak
We all know that weed makes you hungry, but also indecisive. So when you’re trying to find the right food to munch on, plenty of shit will usually cut it. However, there is always one person who feels that getting a very particular, and often distantly-located, meal will allow them to reach Nirvana. While Harold and Kumar flicks may be entertaining to watch, most people don’t want to go through all that bullshit themselves following the consumption of a thick blunt. Do your friends a favor and instead of desperately trying to convince them to drive for an hour to get some White Castle, nuke yourself a Hot Pocket.