10 decisions you make in your 20s that you're definitely going to regret
The internet is full of "inspirational" bullshit telling you how to be a better person and make decisions that you won't regret in 10 years. Sure vanquishing toxic friends to the depths of of your news feed and not settling for less than you deserve will make you happy, but what about the things you'll really regret, like that DeLorean neck tattoo? Speaking of, here's a few other things you do in your golden years that you might not want to bring up in conversation in your 30s.
10. Trying bath salts
Bath salts: not even once ... okay maybe once. Your 20s are a time to get crazy and experiment, but 10 years later, your enthusiasm for bath salts will start to turn into a sick necessity, and before you know it you'll be stealing goats from your neighbors to slaughter in your living room because the salts told you to. In another 10 years when you're 40 and you finally get out of the clink, you're unemployable with an insatiable thirst for goat cheese that you'll never be able to afford.
9. Taking an 8 a.m. class
Knocking out classes in the early morn' seem like a great idea. Until you miss every one, and end up wasting thousands in student loans and pounding your GPA to a 2.7 all because you were dreaming during Dream Interpretation 101: The Psychology of Sleep.
8. Donating anything to canvassers
Giving your money to street kids with clip boards in the name of Green Peace and hungry children sounds like a great philanthropic effort to a naieve young human such as yourself. But in 10 years after you've forgotten that Planned Parenthood and UNICEF are each charging you $60 a month, you've canceled that bank account, you're still getting a tree's worth of mail every week, and you'll regret that you didn't scowl and keep walking.
7. Gauging your face
Face piercings are fun, and what better time to do them when your skin is still stretchy and void of wrinkles? Take it easy though, gauging your lip and nose may seem like a really cool, alternative thing to do, but in 10 years when people at the coffee shop - that you're still working at because not even the art gallery will hire you - ask that someone else make their drink as hormone-free chai dribbles out of your lip hole, you'll wish you hadn't turned your face into a bulletin that you smoke weed and like Sublime.
6. Getting a pop culture tattoo
You're hip and 20, you should get a tattoo. No, not a flower for your grandma or a pin-up girl for those lonely nights, you should get Grumpy Cat. That way in 10 years when your kids start asking you about that faded cat-blob on your back you can explain to them what memes are and that tattoos never EVER come off.
5. Getting a degree in liberal arts
Not sure what to get your degree in? Grab one in liberal arts, you can do all sorts of things, like work at a book shop, a coffee shop and spend the rest of your life figuring out what you want to be when you grow up. In 10 years when you're still drowning in debt picking pennies off the sidewalk, you'll look in the mirror and... shit, you gauged your lip too didn't you?
4. Subsisting on fast food
You're metabolism is quick right now, you can eat two whole T-Bell Crunch Wraps and a Spicy McChicken in one sitting and still have the energy to play Frisbee golf with your friends. Live it up, son live it up. In 10 years the only thing that will satiate your dopamine receptors are McNuggets dipped ranch and you'll be so fat you can't even bend over to pick up that Frisbee. Back out of the drive-thru and let your mom make you dinner.
3. Marrying your high school sweetheart
When you think you've found the one, you think you've found the one. But if you found the one when you were still not sure if Santa Claus was real or not, you should probably reconsider that ring. We get it, weddings are fun, especially when your dad pays for the open bar, but you can also have a huge party without legally binding yourself to another human for the rest of your sad life. This way in 10 years you won't be a divorcee constantly brooding that you missed your chance to fool around with Ted in college.
2. Drinking and Driving
Home is only a block away from the bar right? Yes, and a DUI is only $10,000, suspended license and giving your car blow jobs every time you want to drive. In 10 years you'll still be working at the Taco Bell because it's within walking distance, and you're still paying off that ticket and your lawyer.
1. Not wearing condoms
You're never going to get herpes or bear unwanted children because you're you, and those sorts of things only happen to Beliebers. Drop the cotton candy, get off your unicorn and slip on a jimmy. You will get herpes, you will have a baby, and you will probably die in the middle of it all. Wrap it up.