10 people whose houses we won't be going to for dinner tonight
Meet 10 people whose diets and eating perversions make Hannibal Lecter look like a foodie. If any of these people invite you to a nice dinner at their homes, you know what to do: stop, drop, and roll the fuck away.
1. Jeffery Dahmer Diet Guy
This is Derek Nance, and the only thing he eats aside from raw meat, is rotting raw meat! His specialty is hand-slaughtering animals and eating them raw, like a motherfucking beast master. The guy's eaten nothing but raw meat for the last 5 years, and claims the special diet helps him with a weird gastrointestinal disease he has. He also inexplicably has a girlfriend who we're pretty sure is going to become dinner one of these days, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we're politely refusing this man's dinner offer.
2. Sylvia Chandler, Urine Enthusiast
Sylvia drinks a pint of her own urine every day, and has done so for the last 20 years. She claims it keeps her looking like a hot young thing, and that it makes her feel "sprightly." Apparently, she hasn't been to the doctor in 10 years, she never gets sick, and she hasn't gained any weight in forever. Well, we're happy it works for her, but let's just say we won't be having drinks with her tonight. Or any night, despite that she's totally on the market.
3. Jim Gaffigan
Because he just makes fun of everything we love. Just kidding. His radical food views just have no place at the dinner table. Just kidding. We love him.
4. Patton Oswalt
Patton Oswalt is a big guy. The man clearly loves food. So it's no surprise that one of his best bits is about how food makes you fat. He has a whole rant about Black Angus Steakhouse, in which he hilariously describes the deep-fried, meat-filled fuckery that is their menu...but you know that's probably what he's eating. And even though that sounds fucking awesome and all, we're afraid we'll have to cancel our dinner plans with him riiiiight about now.
5. Spaghetti Girl
Don't ask us what dusty corner of the internet we found this in, but we're sure we don't need to explain why we won't be attending her dinner party anytime soon.
6. Michael Lotito
What do bicycles, TVs, shopping carts, chandeliers, beds, coffins and an entire Cessena 150 airplane have in common? They're all on the menu at Michael Lotito's house. The man eats metal. He's got a rare condition called 'pica' that makes him crave metal. He dines on the stuff by breaking it down into little parts, then drinking massive amounts of water while he's eating to help him digest whatever airplane he's eating that night. Doctors claim he's has an incredibly strong stomach lining and intestinal tract, but we're pretty sure he's part Transformer. Either way, we think we'll eat in tonight.
7. These dogs' pizza party
There's just something about the way this dog looks at us that makes us want to eat alone forever.
8. Angelina Jolie
Dinner at Angelina's would go something like this: try to remember all of the kid's names, get our shins kicked by the kids and start secretly hating them, watch in horror as Angelina tries to satisfy the 7 (or 8 is it?) individual dinner requests of each of her children, watch Angelina explode in octomom fury and give up, get served cockroaches, and stare at Brad. Yeah, that's right Angelina Jolie likes to eat cockroaches just as much as she likes to adopt African babies. We don't care how good looking she is, you couldn't pay us to do dinner at her kid kennel.
9. This guy
Thanks, but no thanks. We're not hungry and won't be for a really long time...
10. Michael Phelps
The man-dolphin hybrid eats 12,000 calories worth of pizza and pasta per day. He says it's to "help him win the Olymipics" or whatever but we're pretty sure he just has the munchies. We're down with that, but there's only so many DiGiorno pizzas and pasta breadbowls we can stomach in one sitting before our bodies will themselves to self destruct. Only so many as being one, not twelve. Did we mention he can eat 10 lbs. of bacon a day? Oh my god, just thinking about that makes us gain 20 pounds. Next time, big guy.