10 Questions to ponder if you're not having any sex (hint: you're probably a douche)

10 Questions to ponder if you're not having any sex (hint: you're probably a douche)

SexFebruary 01, 2016 By Tyler Mistretta

Are you the kind of person that never seems to get laid? Even if you put in the effort, are you left under-sexed and unhappy? Looks aside, have you ever considered maybe you just suck as a person? Because if you aren’t seeing any action come your way, this is a very real possibility.

Every one of your ancestors, even your great-great-great grandma back in colonial Virginia, was getting fucked. And what, you can’t even get laid now? In one of the most sexually accepting times in all of human history? That seems unlikely. You're probably doing something wrong. You might suck.

Here are some questions to ask yourself if you have a non-existent sex life. Take a deep look at yourself and determine if these things apply to you. Accepting there's a problem is the first step to recovery. 

Do you overvalue your own worth?

Lots of solid 6s think they’re 9s and that hyper-inflated self-worth might be playing tricks on you. Why do you think you’re such hot shit and deserve to be bedding babes on a nightly basis? If the only reason is that you think you’re "cool" — then you’re not that cool. Its good to have confidence, but overconfidence ruins game and makes people look like assholes. If you don’t look as good as you think you do, or you aren’t as interesting as you want to be, you aren’t going to get anyone sticking around. Either make yourself a 9 for real, or go after the 6s you deserve.

Can you maintain eye contact?

Nothing makes you look socially inept more than an inability to maintain eye contact. You can’t maintain eye contact with a lady, but you expect her to give you a rim job in your studio apartment? That just doesn’t make sense. Solid eye contact and a cheeky little smirk will get you laid more than boring stories alone. Just don’t come at them looking like you are trying to stare into their soul. That's creepy.

Are you as fun as a mustard sandwich?

Lots of people think they're fun, but few actually are. What was the last fun thing you did? Showing people videos of giggling babies doesn’t make you a fun person. Making fun things happen and being an entertaining person makes you fun. Naturally, people want to fuck other people that are fun to be around. No one is going to want to get down if you have the personality of a warped 2 x 4.

Do you think you’re nice, but really you’re nice "with a catch"?

Are you the kind of guy that’s super nice to a girl because you think being nice will win her over? People notice a phony. Everyone can tell the nice attitude is conditional. A girl isn’t going to let you come in her belly button because you complimented her on some eye shadow and told her how beautiful of a "personality she has. You aren’t actually a nice guy if you don't mean it. You’re just an asshole.

Can you convey sexual interest and talk about sex like an adult?

If you aren’t getting laid it might be because people don’t know you want to fuck them. Possibly the easiest way to gauge someone’s sexual interest in you is to talk about sex with them. If every date consists of discussing the migratory patterns of Turkey Vultures, you can't be mad there wasn't any sex. Also, don’t act like a 7th grader in health class when sex comes up in conversation. If you’re an adult that wants sex, you both need to be able to talk about it on consensual terms.

Do you dress like Danny Tanner?

Do you go out to bars dressed like a frumpy dad stuck in 1996? Because thats absolutely not going to get you anywhere. Pleated corduroys haven’t been socially acceptable since the end of the last millennium, so get those out of your public wardrobe. If you can’t properly dress, people are going to assume you can't handle other aspects of your life. Plus, dressing bad just makes people unattractive. A good outfit can raise a desirability level by at least 1 or 2 points.

Do you have options?

Don’t get wrapped in the idea of banging a specific person when you’ve never actually hooked up with them. This often makes people look super desperate and pathetic. Also, why get wrapped up in the idea of hooking up with one person when you could actually be waking up with someone else. Don’t chase the game. If it isn’t happening, it isn’t happening ... move on. That girl in your Women Studies class likely isn’t as special as you think she is. Find someone that reciprocates interest.

Are you trying way too hard?

Getting laid isn't like playing the violin — effort doesn't always equal results. Relax and keep it casual. You shouldn’t have to pitch the prospect of sex like an overly aggressive car salesman trying to unload a 2002 Chevy Malibu lemon at the end of the month quota. It's 2016 — if you cant get laid tonight, you can buy a Fleshlight on Amazon Prime and bang it tomorrow. 

Do you make yourself overly available?

If the girl you’re interested in keeps bailing on plans, it's probably because she doesn’t want to hang out with you. Don’t text her every hour trying to set up other plans or try to make small talk about the weather. She’s just not into it, take the hint. Being overly available makes people look desperate. So, don’t drop everything to go rub a woman's feet at 2:30 pm on a Wednesday because you think it will get you laid. It wont.

Would people hang out with if you were ugly?

The ultimate test to decide if you are actually a good person: Would people like you if you were ugly as shit? Even mediocre looking people bank on their looks way too much. Many people have shitty personalities and go through life being ordinary because they can. That probably wouldn’t work if they were horrifying to look at, would it? No one would pay them any attention. Have a personality, be interesting and — most importantly — be fun. This way people will like being around you no matter what.