10 sexercises that'll melt your winter hibernation fat without ever stepping foot in a gym
Fuck exercise … literally. Working out has to be the worst pastime ever created, but when you combine it with sex, you make your body very happy, and your primary care physician very broke.
That’s why we put together this list of sexercises that’ll whip your bod into summer-shape. All you need is someone who can stand the sight of your nude form and a craving for caloric carnage and you'll be well on your way to getting in the best shape of your young little target audience life.
The Bicep Bust
Equipment: Pull-up bar, strong man or woman who ain’t no wuss.
Obtain a sexual partner. Have them enter you missionary-style. Then, locked in position, wrap your legs and arms around them, hold on, and have them stand up (like reverse piggy back, but with dick!) Walk yourselves over to under the pull-up bar. Then, use your arms to pull yourself up and down, sliding on their dick or dick-shaped object. They get a workout from holding your ass, and you get a workout from doing pull-ups while having sex like some sort of zealous fitness genie.
Muscles targeted: Biceps, deltoids, pectoralis major, trapezius.
The Anti-Abstinence Ab Annihilator
Equipment: Genitalia, and the dream of a six-pack although you’d settle for four.
This one works for both genders, provided you’re not semi-paralyzed in a back brace, and you can use it in almost any position. Instead of simply thrusting in and out, move your abdomen in an s-shape to thrust. Starting with your chest and working down to your gonads, isolate your ab muscles from top to bottom as you thrust, moving your hips as if you were riding the bull at that bar you always blacked out at in college. You can do it whether you’re on the top or the bottom, which is more than we can say for our office bunk beds.
Muscles targeted: Abdominals.
The Threesome You Were Promised a Year Ago
Equipment: A third wheel.
You burn between 90 and 120 calories during a 30-minute sexual encounter with one person … so imagine the calories you’d kill with two. And plus; didn’t your girlfriend tell you she’d give you a threesome for your birthday? The best way to get the workout of the century is to assume the “H” position, with the horizontal part being a person on their hands and knees in doggy. If you’ve got two girls, have one in horizontal position, and the other in vertical, getting eaten out by the horizontal gal. The guy comes in from behind and does the horizontal girl. The girls switch. If you’ve got two guys, the girl stays horizontal and they guys rotate from her mouth to her pussy or butt. The horizontal person gets a great ab and, shoulder and arm workout from stabilizing, and the vertical people get their abs and lower backs worked from thrusting.
Muscles targeted: Biceps, deltoids, trapezius, abdominals, trapezius, lattisimus dorsi, glutes.
The I’m Fresh Out of Booty Calls Tonight
Equipment: Your hands, whatever other masturbation device you can rustle up, and arm weights.
Hey, just because you can’t find anyone to begrudgingly bang you for exercise right now doesn’t mean you can’t bang yourself and reap the same reward. Your biceps, triceps and deltoids can all be targeted with this solo technique; all you need to do is attach an arm weight with sufficient poundage to the arm you masturbate with, throw in a Vanilla Sky DVD, and go to town on yourself. When you feel like you might come, switch arms to work out your other side. If you’re really trying to prove to your high school reunion that you’re not the fat child you once were, masturbate in a crunch position with your head slightly raised and knees bent, shoulder width apart. Engage your abs to keep you in that position and keep the bullies of your back.
Muscles targeted: Triceps, biceps, forearms flexors, pectoralis major, and extensors, abdominals.
Equipment: The marijuana paraphernalia of your choosing and a fondness of numbers.
Sixty-nining is actually a great way to burn off those Bagel Bites.To get the maximum workout, the girl lies on her back, face up. The guy climbs over her, but positions himself with his butt slightly arched so that his cock is dangling about three inches forward from her mouth. That way, when she sits up to give him head, she’s doing little crunches every time she goes from the head to the tip. The guy gets a great ab, shoulder and bicep workout as he holds himself over her … but not as good of a work out as his tongue. You may be wondering where the “420” part of this factors in … well when you’re done, take a toke as a consolation prize for exercising. You did it, man. You did it.
Muscles targeted: Abdominals, biceps, deltoids, trapezius, lastissmus dorsi.
That Kama Sutra Lotus Thing
Equipment: Wanton desire.
For something with such a gentle name, this position can be a real bitch on your muscles, and we mean that in the best way. For this one, the guy sits on the floor, legs crossed. The girl climbs on top, and wraps her legs around him so that they’re face-to-face, reproductive-organ to-reproductive-organ, with their arms wrapped around each other. The girl moves her pelvis up and down, and gets bonus points if she can figure out something better to say than “Yeah?” This position involves significant hip flexor and abdominal stability and strength from the bottom partner, as well as a fully engaged core and strong butt muscles from the person on top.
Muscles targeted: Hip flexors, abdominals, glutes.
This is a great position for when you want an arm workout, and to discover that you or your partner is the proud owner of a G-Spot. Have the girl lay on her stomach, butt perked up in the air. The guy enters her from behind. Great. Now, both of you push up into a plank position by extending your arms and coming up onto your knees or toes so the bulk of your weight rests on your arms, like you’re at the top of a push-up. Stay like this as the guy thrusts. Stabilizing your bodies and bearing your weight on your arms will rip them like Arnold, and it’s the perfect position for his cock to rub against her G-Spot, which is on the front wall of her vagina.
Muscles targeted: Triceps, biceps, deltoids, forearm extensors and flexors, abdominals.
The Really Dangerous Treadmill One
Equipment: A treadmill and an understanding of what #YOLO means.
This one is for those people who, for some existentially baffling reason, love running. Stand on the treadmill facing each other. Have the girl prop herself up onto the treadmill dashboard, feet on either side of the handles to hold her up so that her legs are open and she’s well-supported. The guy enters her from that position … and this is where it gets fun. Turn the treadmill on, slowly at first, so that the guy has to walk while he fucks her. Too tame for you? Increase the speed up to a light jog, all the while trying to keep your naughty parts connected. The bouncing from the jogging will take care of the thrusting, and the adrenaline will take care of your logical side trying to talk you out of it.
Muscles: Quadriceps, pectineus, sartorius, abdominals, glutes.
The Standing Sex Show
Equipment: A wall, is that too much to ask?
Enter the Holy Grail of workout sex: standing. For girls (who are more precariously dangling than standing), it’s a great workout for the hamstrings, deep stabilizer muscles of the leg, butt and core. For guys, it’ll test the limits of their arms, abs, and back. To get into it, have the lady sit on on a counter or chair that’s near penis-level. The gent should stick it in, then pick her up from there. If you’re both fairly confident in your musculature, you can take turns thrusting. If this is your first time working out since a dog chased you home from work 11 years ago, press the girl up against the wall for support and hotness.
Muscles targeted. Biceps, triceps, pectoralis major, pectineus, sartorius, glutes, trapezius, abdominals.
The Butt Mobile
Equipment: What your drug dealer would call “motivation to not die.”
For a butt that would make Jen Setler end her career as a professional butt-person, get into missionary position, with the bottom-person lying flat on the bed or festival campground (whatever). The bottom-person is going to be doing the thrusting, so make sure their feet are shoulder-width apart and that the top person is balanced. The bottom thrusts their pelvis upwards, keeping their arms flat on the ground. For maximum butt-sculpting, push down through your feet and squeeze your butt together at the top of each thrust. Girls can do it from missionary too if the gentlemen would be so kind as to kneel and take it.
Muscles targeted: Glutes.
Equipment: The acting skills of Lindsay Lohan … that’s the punchline.
Did you know you use more calories faking an orgasm than having an actual one? All that “gripping the sheets for dramatic effect” and brainpower you use thinking of stuff to say like “Fuck me like you’re Bill Clinton in 1995,” well, that takes a lot of energy. So, next time you’re in the throes of what should be passion, put those acting skills to use and fake your orgasm. Flail your limbs, arch your pack, buck your pelvis, scrunch your toes and grip whatever’s nearest to you like your life depended on it. You’ll burn almost as many calories moving your stuff out of your boyfriend’s apartment after he finds out.
Muscles: All of them if you do it right.