10 vices that are really f*cking good for you

10 vices that are really f*cking good for you

CultureSeptember 15, 2016

Everyone’s got a vice or five, but thanks to science, we now know your sinful habit may not be as hurtful as doctors are saying. Behold: 10 unholy vices that — when used in moderation — can be better for you than an apple covered in Vitamin C encased in hugs.

Sleeping in like the lazy log you know you are

Remember when your mom had to douse your body in ice water to get you up for school? Well, contrary to her opinion, man, you were doing everything right. Sleeping in not only decreases levels of stress by allowing you to miss the hassles of an early morning commute, but it’s common knowledge that getting enough sleep every night and cat napping during the day has a vast variety of health benefits. Boosting immune systems by giving cells time to rebuild, curbing depression, improving memory, decreasing stress, maintaining a healthy weight and helping everyone live longer are just some  of the benefits we can fit into this paragraph in order to meet our word count limit. So, what did we learn kids? That’s right. Go to bed ... now.

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Premarital sex. Postmarital sex. Okay, sex in general.

When you get your freak on, genitals aren’t the only things reaping benefits: The rest of your body gets hooked up, too. Getting laid releases endorphins that improve mood, boosts the immune system and lowers blood pressure. Not to mention, it boosts libido, increases heart health, burns calories, eases stress and improves sleep. And if you don’t have someone to have sex with, no problem — light some candles, throw on some Barry White and whip out your favorite hand, because masturbation has all of the same benefits.

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Chocolate

Chocolate is good for a lot more than drizzling over your partner’s naked ... moonlit ... body ... sorry, what were we saying? Right. Cocoa — the goodness chocolate is made from — helps reduce risk of stroke, lowers blood pressure, improves circulation and is rich in cholesterol-regulating antioxidants. And just like a juggalo’s facepaint, the darker, the better.

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The weed

Why does Snoop Dogg look the same as he did in 1991? Why is Doug Benson so happy all the time? Because, weed. The great thing about weed is that there are so many strains of it, it can be used to treat nearly any condition. It’s a subjective remedy. THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, is most often used to reduce pain and as an anti-inflammatory agent. It also prevents blindness caused by glaucoma, treats migraines, eases upset stomachs, relieves PMS symptoms, relaxes muscles and can even prevent Alzheimer’s and cancer from spreading. Stick that in your volcano bong and smoke it.

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Getting completely drenched in sunlight

Sunny days are natural antidepressants because they improve energy levels and mood by causing the body to release endorphins. The sun also helps restore levels of Vitamin D — a vitamin responsible for the absorption of calcium and phosphorus in bones that also assists in cellular communication in the body. The best part? Sunscreen won’t detract from these benefits, so you don’t need to look like Snooki or a human lobster to get the bennies that you need.

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Treat yourself

Every once and a while, just say “Fuck you” to everything and everyone and take some time for yourself. Next, apologize profusely to your masseuse for the “fuck you” earlier and make them rub your back. Those who get massaged, either at a spa, by a partner, or a friend are less likely to experience depression, anger, anxiety, stress, and pain (duh). Pampering also prevents injury, relieves headaches, improves circulation and assists in digestive disorders. So, go ahead and put on a fluffy bathrobe, get your hair and nails did and have a nice hunk rub you down. You deserve it, you big man-woman-person, you.

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Get moderately white girl wasted

Everyone knows drinking 24/7 is no good. But drinking 23/6? That’s the health benefit G-spot of alcohol consumption. Moderate boozing lowers the risk of heart disease, diabetes and stroke. And while wine is high in antioxidants, beer is higher in protein and Vitamin B. Beer is especially good for your heart and it’s multifunctional: Bathe in beer like a professional alcoholic for better skin, put it in your hair to reduce frizz and add volume, cook with it to make everything taste better, or just calm down and drink it like a normal person.

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Biting your nails

While the bloodied stumps at the tips of your fingers aren’t necessarily doing a whole lot for your social life, they’re doing something for your immune system. When you bite your nails, you ingest viruses and bacteria that your immune system develops defenses against. That means when you come into contact with the same garbage next time, you’ll be better equipped to fight them off. So are we saying that biting your nails will help you fight off Ebola? Please; you’re fucked in that case, but it will help your body resist common flus and colds.

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Coffee, aka Liquid of the Gods

Let’s talk about coffee: It's not only necessary in pulling your ass out of bed every morning, cramming for whatever and getting shit done, but it’s also great for your body, too. Studies show one to four cups of coffee a day (this means one to four literal cups, not one giant mug that holds four cups four times a day) fights heart disease, aids in workouts and decreases chances of developing Alzheimer’s disease and dementia. Coffee also provides antioxidants that are great for the body, especially in the morning. The caffeine in coffee can also help headaches. Now we get why there’s seventeen Starbucks on every city block.

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Ditching class or work

Education. Who needs it? Money? We’ll pass, thanks. Our health is way more important. But before you start beating yourself up about making "Andrew" cover your shift again (thanks, by the way) you should know that telling your boss or professors you came down with the flu may actually increase health in the long run. Giving yourself time off is shown to lower blood pressure, decrease risk for heart disease and relieve stress. Taking some “you” time also increases creativity and happiness. Ferris Bueller was on to something, that sly son-of-a-bitch.