13 celebrity products you won't believe actually exist

13 celebrity products you won't believe actually exist

VicesSeptember 09, 2013

Oh, celebrities. They  make some really, really weird shit. Here's 13 celebrity products we found that we couldn't wait to tell you about.

1. Totes Amazeballs Cereal
In 2012, Tim Burgess, front man of the Charlatans, tweeted that someone should make a cereal called "Totes Amazeballs." Kellogg's somehow caught wind, and instantly came out with a chocolate shortbread-flavored cereal called just that. With cartoon Tim Burgess on the front. The science experiment of a cereal was sold exclusively at the Kendal Calling Music Festival in England. So you can never eat them, ever. Schweeeeeeet!

2. Nelly’s Pimp Juice
Sigh. If Nelly only knew the onslaught of controversy he’d rain down upon himself with the introduction a simple non-carbonated energy drink. Sigh. Apparently, some organizations felt it was defaming to African Americans, degraded women, and glorified pimps, being called “Pimp Juice” and all. Sigh.  It contained the daily recommended intake of all our favorite vitamins, too. And it tasted like battery acid. Sigh.

3. Bill Wyman Signature Metal Detector
Raise your hand if you know who this guy is. Anyone? No? He’s the bassist for the Rolling Stones, and he has his own signature metal detector. Legend goes he slept with over 1,000 women in his heydey, but ended up settling down in 1993. His marriage was kinda boring (compared to his STD-riddled single life), and needed a hobby, so he decided on treasure hunting. Then he decided that treasure hunting was his thing. So he made a metal detector. But not just any metal detector. His has a special setting that allows you to target “good” and “bad” metal so you can decide what’s worth digging up.

4. Jessica Simpson’s Edible Cosmetics
There are just some things you should never eat, but let’s be real: who hasn’t stared long and hard at their shampoo and thought, “Fuck it, I’m gonna put that in my mouth?” Jessica Simpson, for one, has. She thought cosmetics should also be food, so she created a line of ‘em called “Dessert.” There were cupcake-scented fragrances, creamsicle body washes, butterscotch toffee shampoo, and "Powdered Sugar Deliciously Kissable Body Shimmer,” just to name a few. We’re sure this has absolutely nothing to do with the obesity epidemic...nothing at all.

5. Carlos Santana’s Fugly Feet Flippers
That’s not what they’re called. But that’s what they’re called. The Latin guitar god really loves dancing, and he really loves ladies, so he combined the two and came out with these eyesores that’ll probably give your feet sores. The designs are “inspired by Carlos’s passionate, soulful music,” but we’re not so sure that’s a selling point. It’s unclear who actually designs these podiatric monstrosities, but whoever it is, is out of their goddamn mind.

6. Yung Joc RapSnacks
Honeydew-flavored cheese curls, that’s what these are. And they are the product that Young Joc thought he’d produce, out of all the possible products. RapSnacks were created by a businessman to “influence the community about the importance of entrepreneurial spirit”, and he chose a handful of rappers at the time to endorse them by creating their own flavor. Yung Joc’s melon-cheese opus is the most nauseatingly worthy of telling you about. The best part: see that line of text under his picture on the package? It playfullyy reminds you that “Reading is Fundamental.”

7. Marilyn Manson Mansinthe
It’s absinthe, for Marilyn Mansons. The man is apparently an absinthe freak. Story goes Johnny Depp turned him on to it one New Year’s Eve, and he couldn’t keep his devil-worshipping hands off it ever since.His aptly-titled version is 66.6% ABV (obviously), and the stuff apparently tastes great. It’s a traditional blend, with vermouth, aniseed, fennel, and the lot. But it does come with a warning though, “Do not think that absinthe will make you hallucinate.” Fine. Don't think we're gonna buy your satan drink then, Marilyn.

8. Kiss Kasket
For the truly die-hard (get it) Kiss fan who wants to “rock and roll all night and party every day” eternally, this corpse-keeper will make the “Kiss-of-death” a special one...with a lot of tongue a la Gene Simmons. Pantera guitarist Dimebag Darrell was buried in one, alongside Eddie Vedder’s Bumblebee guitar. Kiss also makes several other funeral products like urns and cremation monuments so you can ensure your loved ones will RIP (rock in peace) for "100,000 Years." If you get that joke, you need to stop what you're doing and get yourself a Kiss Kasket like, now.

9. Lady Gaga’s Expensive Hooker Perfume: “Fame”
Ever wondered what being famous smells like? Well, it stinks like an expensive hooker, according to Lady Gaga’s signature scent, “Fame.” She wanted it to smell like blood and semen (which is apparently what expensive hookers smell like), so she actually donated blood to be used in the perfume so she could give her fans a sense of “having her on them.” It’s unclear where the semen factors into that.

10. Dion Dublin’s The Dube

The English soccer star made what is, at it's very, very best, a rudimentary box. A box that you hit to make sound. It's a cube, but since his name starts with D, it's a "Dube". Allow him to explain:

11. David Lynch Signature Cup Coffee
We’re pretty sure David Lynch’s signature coffee is ‘extra dark’ or ‘entirely morose in flavor.’ Maybe it has a ‘Blue Velvety texture with an subtle, oedipus complex bite." This coffee-crazed crazy man made three organic blends, a light roast, espresso, and decaf.

12. Danny Devito’s Limoncello
Everyone’s favorite mini-midget-man, Danny Devito, is a limoncello king. He took advantage of his Italian roots had a line of his own signature limoncello made in Italy from authentic Sorrento lemons. And you know what? The stuff works. At gettting you drunk. And helping you blow it on The View after a night of drinking it with George Clooney and gallivanting about town.

13. And, our personal favorite, Sylvester Stallone’s High Protein Pudding

For when you're too old to chomp on a rump roast!