12 Debilitating diseases only millennials get
Millennials are at risk for a lot of really, really specific diseases. Please do what you can to help this vulnerable population.
1. PTSD from bass that just drops too hard
There's nothing more unnerving than an unsuspected amount of bass. We mean, you spend all this time getting to know a DJ and the way they manipulate the crests and troughs of digital sound, and then you come to a show prepared to ride those waves of sonic ecstasy like a dubstep surfer, but out of nowhere, the bass just drops like, way harder than you thought. Suddenly your vision is white and you're fetal-positioning on the ground and you're distancing yourself from your loved ones and you can't come to anyone's Fourth of July party because you're just a shell of a person.
Cure: Coffee enemas and unrelenting psychotherapy.
2. Premature balding from beanies
Some things need to breathe to survive and one of those things is your scalp. Let it out of its acrylic knit prison every now and then and you might notice those ominous bald spots where your hair used to be start to clear up and become hairy again, just like your armpits.
Cure: So, so much biotin and castor oil, right on those spots, mmm, massage it in, yeah.
3. Netflix bedsores because no one has a real job
Running an Etsy site for circuit-bended vibrators or writing haikus about the pains of pooping at work for your blog doesn't count as a real job ... but it does allow you to stay in bed for days on end, "working," causing sores to form on the surfaces of your body that come into contact with your bed the most, namely your butt. Any millennial who works from home (all of them that don't work in restaurants) has surely noticed the decreased circulation, numbness, and peculiar boils forming on lower extremities from vastly reduced motor function. Hey, you're kind of like an astronaut on your way to Mars, sedentary for months while making history! Except the only history you're making is the speed at which you go through Season 3 of House of Cards in one sitting. Nice ballsores.
Cure: Working at Chili's. We all have to do it at some point. Do it for the exercise, if not for the baby back ribs.
4. Text neck
Look out, this one's real: it's a change in your spinal posture and atrophizing damage to your neck and shoulder muscles from hunching over your phone, absorbed in your Instagram filter decision making process. Translation: Twenty-something hunchback.
Cure: Getting a real life.
5. Chronic masturbation syndrome, because free porn
Before the time of tube sites, masturbation frequency was directly correlated with wallet girth. But now that you don't have to pay to see three dudes dressed like bananas bang a girl in a gorilla suit, and because your bartending job frees up 99.9% of your daylight hours, excessive masturbation is easier than ever. And more addictive, too! With every video, you become sensitized to the graphic imagery so that each subsequent view needs to be more twisted and bizarre than the first, and suddenly you've spent four days inside looking for that elusive clip that makes you feel a tingle in your dingle again. Only your contemporaries feel the crippling pain and social alienation this brings, not to mention the friction burns ...
Cure: Watch every free video out there so you have to start paying to keep getting off, duh
6. Single origin coffee IBS
This increasingly common form of Irritable Bowel Syndrome occurs when the delicate acidity of the Sumatran single origin blend is such that the ripe berry notes interact with the light floral undertones, balanced mouth-feel and earthy aroma to produce explosive diarrhea. Enough said.
Cure: Just shoot that pour over straight into your carotid next time.
7. Conversational narcolepsy
Sometimes, when the conversation is too boring or related to personal finances, an acute syndrome will develop in which the listener spontaneously drops into a state of zombie-like unconsciousness. Victims of this awful disease suffer compromised hearing, memory interruptions and generalized confusion and will appear as if they are sleeping with their eyes open yet somehow are also Snapchatting the whole thing.
Cure: A quick and concentrated change of subject to one of the following: Forest's new pastel hair color, festival lineups or fucking beet juice.
8. U.S. Postage Service Alzheimer's
At some point in the quarter century they've been alive, most millennials have utilized the ubiquitous United State Postal Service System either to send or receive paper mail. Unfortunately, millennials lack the neural plasticity to retain such knowledge, and thus suffer intense memory lapses when it comes to this seemingly simple process. Consequentially, don't even think about asking them to mail in their tax returns, what are you, stupid?
Cure: Just fucking scan it and email it to me.
9. Sriracha heartburn
Years of tastebud over-saturation brought on by over-consumption of Halloween candy via parents that vowed not to say "no" to anything because it was "emotionally limiting" has left millennials without the ability to recognize basic tastes like egg or meat or kale without the aid of a generous and also occasionally disgusting amount of Sriracha chili sauce. Oftentimes, the searing burn of the Sriracha will erode the esophageal lining of certain millennials, causing excruciating reflux and burning pain.
Cure: Just a shitload of Pabst.
10. Selfie OCD
Are the lights dimmed to a slightly-under-medium intensity so that your skin falsifies a healthy glow? Triple check, just to be safe. Do your duck face lips perfectly reflect the flash of the camera, making them appear luscious and Tinderable? Reapply lipstick twice, dab once, smack lips four times. Guys too, you don't want your lips to look dehydrated. Is the angle such that your double chin is diminished while you chest appears larger while your cheekbones appear more angular while your neck looks a million and twelve miles long while your hair subtly covers up the fact that you have no observable collarbone while your eyebrow has just the right amount of unkempt hairs in it? Adjust accordingly, check, and re-check. Truly advanced cases know that if these conditions aren't right, someone innocent will die.
Cure: A hug and $20,000 worth of plastic surgery. You can't walk off a neck-chin.
11. Binge watch withdrawal
Nothing brings on the fevers, cold sweats and nausea of withdrawal quite like a season of a millennial's favorite show coming to a close. Much like heroin addicts experience disruptive physiological and emotional changes, binge-watch withdrawal patients undergo a similar process of depression, resistance, ambivalence, and finally, acceptance as they learn to put their life back in order after their show ends in a drama-filled cliffhanger or untimely death.
Cure: X-Files re-runs. It's the only way.
12. WiFi catatonia
A lapse in internet connectivity leaves about 10/10 millennials in a catatonic state, unable to move or speak, unsure what to do. Should they read? No, their copy of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged is all the way over there on the other side of the room. Should they watch TV? No, it's too painful, Guy Fieri is probably on there somewhere, talking about "flavor town" and shit. Should they engage in meaningful human interaction? What is that even? This state of indecision leads to a breakdown of sensory and motor function that much mirrors the behavior of the recently-lobotomized.
Cure: Hacking the neighbor's WiFi or activating your cellular WiFi hotspot for just $12,308 a month.