17 jobs that we never want, nope nope nope
1. Marathon runner
There's nothing on this cold, cold planet that we hate more than running, and these people have to do it 24/7. Always eating plates and plates of pasta to equilibrate their carb balance, getting up at the crack of dawn to run to a different city, wearing those arm socks, taunting us with their beautiful legs ... it's just too awful to think about.
2. Sperm bank nurse
All day long, you lead men to a room to jack off, a room where hundreds of men before them have jacked off before, and hundreds of men after them will likewise spill their seed into the plastic collecting cups that have become your constant reality. Time after time, you withstand their nervous attempt at humor: "Hey, uh, lady, do you come with the room?" Fuck. Off.
3. Child soldier
If this isn't completely self-explanatory, help yourself to some more whippets and go to bed.
4. Justin Bieber's lawyer
There's gotta be a point where you look up from your Bar Exam Review Book, and say "I did not become a jurisdoctor to lose egging cases," at which point you disappear into the Costa Rican rainforest to become a shaman.
5. Streaker-tackler guy
It's your job to run, as fast as you can, behind a naked person, trailing in the aerodynamic vacuum left behind by their butt, trying to catch them. When the time is right, you must fling your body on top of theirs, hold them down in an authoritative embrace, and handcuff them while thousands of screaming fans feel simultaneously disappointed and aroused. To be fair, it's more action than you've gotten in a while ...
6. Animal semen collection expert
Animals, for all their charm and gravitas, have a lot of trouble getting it in, sexually. That's where you come in. You, dear friend, are responsible for collecting animal semen by way of an Artificial Vagina, which you hold on to with all your strength while some livestock thrusts into what it hopes is it's ex-girlfriend. Your other option? Electro-ejaculation, in which you put the animal to sleep and stimulate ejaculation by electrocuting their rectum. Do you need a pen to sign up with?
If you don't count the stifling heat of your costume and the sickening realization that you're 41 and your life has lead to you running around a basketball court in an Yeti costume before the YMCA girl's regional quarterfinals, being a mascot is a pretty great job.
8. Criss Angel's landlord
Every time you'd ask him for the rent, he'd just levitate at you, lock himself in a tank of shark-infested water, or vanish in a cloud of firey black smoke. And you can't evict him because every once and a while, a dove will fly out of his shirt into your window, and let's be honest, you need the company.
9. Flatus odor judge
The contents of the human digestive system must be studied, and although you're furthering science by inhaling people's farts to determine what compounds indicate gastrointestinal distress, you are also doing just that.
10. President of the United States
Great, so you're the most powerful person on earth ... that must be a nice feeling until the anthrax-filled letters start coming in. Suddenly you're target practice for the 49% of the country who disagrees with your policies, which you can't even get passed in Congress without kissing ass like that was your job. Sleep is an alien concept to you, as you spend the wee hours of the morning on the phone with North Korea, who's threatening to decimate a cap in your ass, and on top of it all, you haven't been able to poop without someone standing out the door for three years.
11. Your therapist
Despite her recommendation that you see a psychiatrist about some meds and learn to channel your anxiety into more productive avenues, your mortal fear of Ewoks still runs your day-to-day.
When you're not forgetting if Samuel is Child No. 3 or Child No. 4, you're breaking up a fight between No. 1 and No. 5 while simultaneously picking Cheerios out of No. 8's eyes. To make matters worse, someone's still breastfeeding, and you're not sure who it is ...
13. Dildo factory worker
What would your benefits be? Dental, two weeks paid vacation, and a monthly rationing of butt-plugs?
14. Anti-marijuana advocate
It's nice that you're standing up for your beliefs, but in these parts, telling people marijuana is dangerous is like telling Justin Bieber he can't have sex with Panamanian prostitutes (impossible).
15. Casa Bonita cliff diver
What kind of misuse of athletic talent led to your desire to jump off a cliff into salmonella-encrusted water at a Mexican restaurant? This must be what happens to Olympians when they don't place.
16. Gigolo on Capitol Hill
For being wildly intelligent, powerful women, those Capitol Hill ladies are so wound up that there's no limit to the amount of time you're going to have to spend dressed up as a little German whipping boy. And if you do manage to involve yourself in a sexual act with one of them that doesn't involve them punching you in the face while you compliment them naked, it's not likely to end well for your intact penis.
17. Taxi driver on The Hill
It's 3 a.m. You've been driving for eight hours when you're waved down by a couple on Broadway. They climb in, and in between taking off their clothes in preparation for sex that can only end in the phrase "Sorry, babe, my dick has whiskey dick," they demand that you take them to Alaska, wait, no, Good Times. Wait, no, Urgent Care. Wait, no, their 2008 prom. When they've finally decided where they're going, they salute you with a fountain of vomit into your ear. Thanks for the ride!