25 pickup lines that'll only work on a Coloradan

25 pickup lines that'll only work on a Coloradan

CultureNovember 29, 2018

Coloradans are a unique breed of sexual conquest. Outdoorsy but high, intelligent but Subaru-owning, horny but crippled by altitude sickness, they're understandably challenging to approach. Don't sweat it though, because we made you a list of lines that we're pretty, pretty sure won't work on anyone else.

You're super welcome.

1. Baby, I wanna put my nuts in your sprouted quinoa granola. Don't worry, it's entirely gluten free and I named each dried cranberry and toasted organic almond individually.

2. Is that a gravity bong in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

3. Baby, are you the housing market? Because I definitely cannot afford you.

4. Did it hurt? When you shattered your vertebrae on that black diamond?

5. I'm horny.

6. How do you like you eggs? Fertilized? From an antibiotic, free-range chicken who I have no doubt is a sentient being with remarkable self-consciousness?

7. How much for an eighth? That's way too expensive. Do you want to fuck?

8. Are you the Denver Mint? Because your body's in mint condition, ZING.

9. Are you the 4/20 rally at CU-Boulder? Because you smell like fish. Which is pretty great because I don't eat anything with fur.

10. I'm ovulating. Sup.

11. I want to handle your balls like 2013 Peyton Manning, then open up 14 Papa John's chains because you're gonna need some energy after I'm done touching you down ... field goal ... Referee.

12. I'm not a photographer, but I can picture you and me together in front of the Flatirons, just like every couple who ever went to Colorado, bye, I'm so sorry to bother you.

13. Are you Aurora? Because you're killing me right now.

14. Baby, you're like the weather report: you're giving me inches and you're never right.

15. Are you the stairs at Red Rocks? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.

16. It's a good thing they've widened Highway 36, because you're really difficult to stalk from far away.

17. Baby, even my Subaru Outback's All Terrain Four-Wheel Drive couldn't handle those curves.

18. Wanna see my Black Hawk?

19. Let's make like the South Platte River and work from South to North aka give me head.

20. Are you a parking ticket, because you've got fine written -- god damn it, you're an actual parking ticket.

21. I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you ... and the altitude sickness.

22. Are you newly legal recreational marijuana? Because you're smokin'. (DUH).

23. Doctors say sunscreen overuse makes Coloradans deficient in Vitamin D, but according to my boner, I've got all the Vitamin D you need.

24. Just call me the demon horse of DIA because I'm crushing on you.

25. I know fucking Tantra, dude.