5 Celebrities that got way too high on Colorado's legal weed to perform
On this earth, there are people that can't handle weed, and there are people that can.
However, take someone that thinks they're a certified pro and put them in Colorado, and well, it's a whole different story.
Nuclear-strength Colorado weed has been known to lay people's asses out. But while most people overwhelmed by its potency can simply curl up and whimper for 12 hours, the comedians, musicians and other assorted celebrities that come through our state have jobs to do. When they abruptly learn why the edibles package says 'not to eat the entire thing' before showtime, some fuck it all up and don't even show.
1. The Lucas Brothers
Comedy duo and noted weed enthusiasts the Lucas Brothers were slated to headline Sexpot Comedy's 4/20 show in Denver, but the pair pulled at the last minute after some potent edibles laid their asses right out. In fact, they were so fucked up, that they didn't even bother to let anyone know they weren't coming. Instead, they just ended up shirtless, wandering around Denver in search of a cheeseburger. Yes, that was a real sentence and is entirely true.
In response, the brothers Tweeted, "Wanted to apologize about last night. We ate edibles which caused us to get incredibly sick. Not sure what happened, became disoriented," to which their actual mother, the woman that gave birth to them, Tweeted back, "@lucasbros please call me ok please i am so worried right now."
In an interview with The Cannabist, Keith Lucas explained that in addition to eating an edible, he'd also dabbed that night, causing a personal meltdown of disastrous proportions. Classic!
Apparently, the experience was so jarring that Keith admitted, “I didn’t believe in God before yesterday, but Denver weed made me believe in Jesus Christ."
2. Maureen Dowd
Photo: Amy Sussman/Getty
If you haven't heard the story of Maureen Dowd's now-iconic marijuana meltdown and subsequent New York Times article, you're either comatose or have been dead for hundreds of years, but we'll remind you just in case.
The infamous journalist took a trip to Denver to explore the phenomenon of recreational weed, but in order to "get the real story," she went all gonzo and ate an entire medicated chocolate bar despite the fact that she'd never tried an edible in her life.
Holy fuuuck, Maureen. That's like drinking 27 Everclear shots in one sitting on your 14th birthday. Balls to the wall, we guess?
"Sitting in my hotel room in Denver, I nibbled off the end and then, when nothing happened, nibbled some more," she famously wrote. "I was panting and paranoid, sure that when the room-service waiter knocked and I didn't answer, he'd call the police and have me arrested for being unable to handle my candy."
She had such a severely negative reaction (no shit) that she wrote a much-derided NYT op-ed about how Colorado's legal weed was unsafe and unregulated, but thankfully, no one took her seriously because no one with half a cerebral cortex is dumb enough to eat an entire candy bar in one go. No one except a very wealthy New York writer who's used to smoking that dried oregano they call weed ...
However, the incident did bring some attention to Colorado's edible labeling system, so ... thanks?
3. Pete Holmes
Photo: Michael Schwartz/Getty
At 2014's High Plains Comedy Festival, funniest-dude-of-life Pete Holmes innocently decided to try a cannabis-infused soda on a live taping of his podcast “You Made It Weird." Fast forward a couple of hours before his expected headlining set, and suddenly he was adamantly refusing to go on stage, as he was being "plagued by mental images of florescent fairies." Eventually, he insisted on opening instead of closing, surprising festival organizers by revealing he couldn't handle a later time slot despite the fact that he was hosting the festival and his face was plastered as a headliner on posters all across the city.
“He seemed fine, but I don’t know much about Pete’s tolerance so we trusted him to make the adjustment,” said High Plains co-founder Andy Juett. “Pete said he was too loopy, and the next thing we knew, he was on stage.”
Holmes did a weird, abbreviated set before handing the mic to the evening’s host Kristin Rand and jetting offstage awkwardly, leaving many in the audience confused and wanting more since most of them had come specifically to see him and his set was supposed to be the culmination of the weekend. Naturally, this meant that the lower-billed comics had to close, which wasn't bad, just really weird.
"I wasn't expecting to be your headliner tonight, but it seems like some people can't handle they shit," Denver's Josh Blue said to Vice about the incident.
4. Ralphie May
Photo cred: Rick Diamond, Getty Images for Bud Light
Back in 2015, we spoke with Ralphie May as his bus was coming into Colorado. His first stop? To find him some Cheeba Chews. However, he underestimated the strength of the weed by about a billion percent and got himself so high that he put on one of the worst shows Colorado has ever seen.
After trying and failing to climb onto a bar stool for a good 30 seconds before saying anything, he put on a completely incoherent set in which he slurred his words and just kinda ... forgot to finish his sentences. It was so ridiculous that audience members grew angry at the performance, or lack thereof, and began to demand refunds for the $80 tickets they'd spent to come see him.
Eventually, people were so pissed at how high he was that the police were called to escort him out of the show.
"They were like 'This is Colorado. We don't care.' I was taking photos with the cops afterwards," May said on a Nebraska radio show after the incident.
Moral of the story? Pace yourselves, kids. All that weed isn't going anywhere; there's no reason to put all of it in your body at once then try to pretend you're a person. And if you do go a little overboard with the intoxicating novelty of being able to buy weed on any corner in Colorado, just go home, curl up in a Snuggie, and watch Planet Earth for like 14 hours.
Cover photo cred: Brian Friedman