5 Bedroom tips girls want to tell you about but can't because you're stupid
Women are complicated when it comes to sex, but there's a few real simple things the female population would like you to know before you come anywhere near them with that penis (or vagina) of yours. We know because they told us.
1. When a girl is still horny after sex, pat yourself on the goddamn back
Guys get so bummed when a girl could go for another round or five. But they don't understand that female arousal works completely differently from male arousal. Men get horny, then come in your eyes or hair or whatever, and then their arousal goes away and they fall asleep faster than you did that one time at the dentist's ... you know with the laughing gas? That was hilarious. Anyway, when women are aroused, each successive orgasm usually makes them hornier, or at the very least, more energetic. Ever notice how when you fall asleep right after sex, your girl is wide awake and still randy? No? That's because you're sleeping and missing out on her continued arousal. So remember this; if your chick is still horny after you've come, it's a good thing. That means that she was into it, and isn't repulsed by your naked body. That, or you came in two seconds and never gave the poor girl a chance #masturbatemore.
2. People didn't invent lingerie to be taken off, you idiot
For the love of Christ, do you have any idea how expensive lingerie is? It's staggering. But if your chick shows up at your place decked head to toe in leather and lace, she did it because she looks so hot that it was worth half her paycheck. So don't spoil it for her by taking it off as soon as she comes near you. She thinks she looks fine as hell, and that push-up bra she's wearing agrees with her. If you have have to take her underwear off to consummate your love, fine. But leave the garter, bra and stockings on, because that's what they're made for.
3. Having a boner does not count as foreplay
Your raging erection is really great and all and we're happy for you, but the sheer fact that you have one doesn't count as foreplay. Poking your girl in the back with it or announcing "I'm horny" does about as much for her sex drive as antibiotics do for AIDS (nothing, for those of you who missed biology). If you're in "the mood," as they say, and want some, you've got to put in a little work if you want to do something about that boner if yours. Make out, talk to her about her feelings, sext her, give her a massage, tell her you have an imposing boner because she's beautiful, whatever. Just don't assume that the fact that your dick has miraculously filled with blood means anything other than that your circulatory system seems to be working nicely.
4. Nobody, in the history of time, has ever had a clit on their leg so stop rubbing there if you want to live
"Breaking news! A clitoris was found on a human leg!" said no one ever. There is nothing in this cold, cold world that's more infuriating as a woman, than to have someone rub your upper-inner thigh, thinking it's your pussy. If you can't tell the tactile difference between an upper-thigh and a vagina, then you're paralyzed from the neck down, or really ignorant about sex. Take some time to learn where the clit is located. Every woman's clit is located at a slightly different distance up from her vaginal opening. Some women have large clits that are obvious to the touch, but other have small ones that you have to feel around for. It's always at the top of that upside-down v-shape that her labia makes. It feels like a slightly engorged bump. If you're having trouble finding it, don't pretend like you know where it is, because that's also infuriating to chicks. Just ask her to show you where she wants you to touch her. And rub it lightly, it's more sensitive than an emo kid at dodgeball practice. Once you figure it out, you're an instant-sex god.
5. Just because boobs are squishy doesn't mean you should squish them
Boobies are not to be handled as if they were melons at the grocery store and you're trying to determine their ripeness. They're not stress balls. They're not water balloons, usually. If you find yourself around a boob, caress it. Lightly run your fingers over it. Focus on the nipple. If you want to grab a handful, be our guest; that can be hot. Just don't squish squish squish it ... unless you want your package to match Lance Armstong's.