5 Things to consider if you hate your friend's shitty love interest

5 Things to consider if you hate your friend's shitty love interest

CultureFebruary 24, 2016 By Tyler Mistretta

One unfortunate side effect of having friends is that at some point one of them will date a shitty person. It’s a basic law of the universe. One of your closest confidants — that you always thought to be a sane and rational person — will be attracted to and start dating a vile person that’s as fun as a pillow made of broken glass. 

Maybe the person your friend is dating is aggressively ugly, maybe they’re annoying, maybe their idea of fun is discussing the inherent misogyny of free-range organic turnip farming in West Texas. Regardless of their unique brand of shitty, this person sucks and you would rather be eaten alive by a pack of wild dogs than hangout with them ever. 

We are as dumbfounded as you are as to how this whole situation develops. Why is your friend okay with dating someone that has a personality more self-destructive than Hurricane Katrina or pronounces quesadilla in the most pretentious and gringo-exotic way imaginable? We can’t be sure.

Now, we don’t want to advocate breaking up your friend’s relationship. Maybe your friend isn’t as cool as you think they are and is actually dating the best they can get. That doesn’t mean you have to put up with the swamp creature your friend decided to go Facebook official with quietly, however.

Talk About Your Friend’s Past Hookups

No one wants to hear about the time their girlfriend took 31 flavors of dude in a Baskin-Robbins bathroom during Spring Break 2012. Yeah, this might cause your friend's lover to resent you — but hey, at least you won’t have to hear their views on giving every kid a participation trophy since they’ll be off crying in the bathroom somewhere.

Give Them A Bad Nickname

Never directly call them a "cunt" to their face, that always ends poorly. The preferred nickname needs to be just subtly insulting enough that no one can tell if it is actually insulting. Avoid nicknames like “Hairy Upper Lip Girl” and go for things more like “Sunshine” or “Darling” — they'll figure it out with time.

Talk About Things They Hate

Is your friend’s girlfriend really against abortion? Well it looks like you know what to talk about every single time. Conversations from here on out should be about the resource dump that kids are and the world’s growing overpopulation crisis. While this may not get them out of your life completely, they’ll definitely stop talking to you at some point. It’s all about small victories here.

Be The Bad Influence

If your friend is spending Friday and Saturday nights at home watching DVR’d reruns of The Voice with their boyfriend, you need to step in. Be the wildcard that your friend’s gf or bf is a little wary of. Plus, if they can’t hang when you and your friend crush bottles of Svedka, they will eventually pass out on the couch and you can have a peaceful moment alone with your friend for once.

The Heart To Heart Option

Newton’s Third Law of Passive Aggression states: for every passive aggressive action there was an equal and opposite option available. Meaning, if your friend is a levelheaded and sensible person, you might just be able to talk to them about how their girlfriend or boyfriend sucks. They might even break up with them soon after — though this rarely works given the witch spell they're under.