5 Walk of shame stories to put all other stories to shame
Anyone who’s ever had a drop of alcohol knows the scene: your just got laid parade comes to a screeching halt once the afternoon sun peeks in through the shades, your brain muddled and hungover from the night before. There, a strange, slightly familiar naked body is there on the other side of the bed greeting your peripheral. Flashbacks from the previous night appear; the flowing booze their backdrop.
We’ve all been there, but have your ever had them this bad?
“I had been casually talking to this guy named Luis for a couple months and I really had lost interest in the whole thing — he turned super clingy, super-fast. Being fresh out of a relationship, I just wasn’t into it. I decided to go out with my cousin one night to our regular bar and he was trying to hook me up with one of his friends. I saw Luis walk in, and I mindlessly tell the guy my cousin just introduced me to, ‘Hold on, I gotta go break up with this guy really quick’ — only for him to instantly reply with, ‘Luis?! That’s my friend!’
Well, you guess it — new guy went and told old guy (Luis) what I said, and then it turns into a big scene where Luis ends up in the corner of the bar crying and cussing me out from afar. I felt really bad and decide to buy him a beer, and I walk over and talk to him.
Ultimately our conversation derailed into reverse psychology and I pinned the entire break-up on him and banged him again that same night. The next morning was not fun when he woke me up asking who gave me the new watch I was wearing the night before (I had taken it off and set in on the night stand during our hook-up session). I couldn’t squeeze my way out of that one — I had received it just a couple days earlier. It was engraved on the back, ‘To my best friend’ — a gift from my very recent ex.
I shot out of bed looking (and sounding) like a freaking savage and proclaimed with my hands in the air, ‘From my ex! I’m leaving!!’ Justified?”
–Patrick Lucero, 25
“I used to waitress at a gentlemen’s club in Houston and I was having a fling with my manager. It was just a fun, short-lived thing … well, especially after this particular night.
I had waitressed all night and he was on the same shift as me. I invited him back to my apartment after we got off work that night and we got our sex on. Now, it is important to note that the visitor parking at my apartment was really limited and the contracted tow-truck drivers were relentless and shitty and literally spent entire nights towing unauthorized vehicles. Anyway, I digress.
The next morning I was eager for him to wake up and leave so I could just enjoy my Saturday. Eventually, he leaves and I do the happy dance as I lock the door behind him. I proceed to get lazy and gossipy on my very loud phone call to my sister when I hear a knock on my door. Yep, it’s him.
With sweat beads pouring down his forehead, and an obvious annoyance at overhearing my conversation about him FINALLY leaving, he tells me his truck got towed from the parking-lot overnight. I’m sure the nice thing to do would have been to throw him some cash to get his truck back … but then I remembered all those times he blatantly flirted with my friends in front of me and decided to shoot him a text with the tow truck company’s phone number before closing and locking my door again.
Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya!”
–Renee Rodriguez, 27
“It was my birthday weekend — and surprise! — I did what every birthday girl does and got shitfaced at my favorite bar and mowed down a gram of cocaine that my friend and I found on the garage floor of the after-party we ended up at.
There was this guy who lived in the garage — almost like weird homeless guy who sleeps on the couch in Half Baked — only he was awake and also naked. We wrestled (because why not?), we hooked up. As the sun starts to rise, my friend and I do the noble thing and decide to walk back to her car. It was a spectacle of class to every car who drove past us.
Barefoot, crazy sex hair, basketball shorts that are two sizes too big … oh and rain!
It was raining for the entire 45-minute journey back to her car. Oh, and I made sure she posted it on her Snapchat for my ex who cheated on me to see. Happy birthday to me!”
–Leticia Ramos, 29
BOOTY CALL PAUL
“I was staying with my parents for a few months and had been talking to this guy. One weekend, he stayed over and we had a nice, drunk hookup in my room — which was next door to my parents’ room. We are a pretty open family, and since we are all adults, we try to laugh off awkward things (such as drunk hookups at your parents’ house).
The next morning, my hookup buddy was leaving for work when my stepmom yelled to us, ‘Good God! I thought you guys were NEVER going to finish last night!’ *cue internal screams*
My guy tries to play it off and blame it all on me, to which my step-mom responds, ‘Oh no, I heard you finish too!’ OMG I have NEVER seen a man turn SO RED in my entire life. He left to work while simultaneously crying, laughing, and probably hyperventilating as he walked out the front door. My parents have called him, Booty Call Paul, ever since.”
–Nayre Lucero, 29
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL …
“I was introduced to lots of cousins, cousins of cousins, cousins twice removed, and all of their aunts and uncles and moms and dads and ... Jesus, there were just so many of them. And I was partying with literally all of them … pour one out for our homie? Sure thing man!
I had never seen this girl in my life, but I was introduced to her — not as a cousin — and we knew nothing about each other. Things went from being playful and innocent to heavy making out and searching out a room for a quickie. We did our thing and went back to the party and eventually found a couch to sleep on.”
He was awoken the next morning to the rustle and bustle of people cleaning up the house as well as making breakfast.
“There is nothing worse than a nice Hispanic lady saying to the girl who just domed you all night, ‘Mija, pass these huevos to your cousin,’ as she directs my cousin, towards me, with a plateful of eggs. I will never use the phrase kissing cousins ever again. And why didn’t any of my other 12,000 cousins say, ‘Bro. That’s your cousin’? And why do I get eggs after this?! I am over here dying and my family is trying to feed me and I think I might have a panic attack.”