6 Alternative careers for Sean Spicer
From day one at the press room podium, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has been feeding the press embellishments, falsehoods, “alternative facts” and boldface lies.
Meanwhile, TV ratings analysts, comedy writers and anti-Trumpers are celebrating the hogwash with similar glee reserved for the ramblings of his orange-hued boss. Additionally, Sean Sphincter (as he was dubbed by his college peers) has become notorious for losing his cool under fire — causing him to inadvertently create new words by flubbing the copy in his pre-written statements.
All lunacies considered, it isn’t farfetched to imagine that the “Spokesmoron” may soon be leaving his current employment either forcibly or by his own volition. Thankfully, there are several exciting vocational alternatives for Mr. Spicer to consider.
Wingman to Bill Clinton
“What ,that ring? Oh … umm ... he just wears that to keep the golddiggers away. Trust me, he and Hillary are done!”
Spicer would be quite effective in the dimness of a swanky bar, overcoming a not-so-hot gal’s objections to her super fine friend hooking up with the former president. Based on his current tactics, Spicer will pretend to listen and create diversions while his boss gets handsy and tees off.
George Costanza in a Seinfeld Reboot
One of the most successful sitcoms in television history owes an element of its popularity to the deflective, denial-ridden personality of Jerry’s best friend. If Spicer lasts an entire year at his current job, the profound stress will sufficiently reduce his hairline, while his propensity for spewing B.S. will be so prolific, he will easily slip into Costanza’s frenetic persona.
Should Larry David and Jerry opt to recreate their masterpiece or license the format to another entity altogether, Spicer would be a shoo-in for a reimagined “Gorgeous George.”
Melissa McCarthy Impersonator
The fact that McCarthy’s imitation of Spicer was so spot-on should provide plenty of motivation for him to mimic her with the same vigor he uses to turn facts upside down.
With a couple of dazzling wigs and a trip to the thrift store, he could easily march into look-alike contests and win first prize. Heck, he might even get picked up by an acting agency and work in movies as McCarthy’s stunt double. Perhaps everyone who watched him lie through his teeth to the Press Corps could instead watch him get punched in the mouth, thrown down a flight of stairs and flung against the wall by a spring-loaded Murphy bed. Comedic gold.
Jailhouse Butler to Bernie Madoff
Since misery loves company and “The Ponz” will never again see the outside of a prison, these two bullshitters would get along famously.
Spicer, doing time for perjury, would delicately serve saucers of jailhouse slop to Madoff. He would explain with stammering eloquence that the evening’s fare is a 12 oz. cut of Wagyu beef with foie gras and caviar rather than a pile of maggot-ridden shit-on-a-shingle.
Meanwhile, Madoff could cajole Spicer out of his commissary in exchange for a list of fictional accomplices that the man-servant could use to barter for a reduced sentence. No honor among thieves, no virtue among liars.
Public Relations Agent for Lance Armstrong
The seven-time winner of the Tour De France, now stripped of all titles, has a reputation that could use a bit of a makeover.
Between stints as Melissa McCarthy’s body double, Spicer could leave on his feminine garb and hold press conferences under the pseudonym of ‘Shauna Spencer.’ She could spin tales of how Lance wasn’t shooting performance enhancing drugs, rather, that he was merely giving himself blood transfusions donated to him by the hyperactive orphans he promised to put through college.
Secret Confidant to You
According to the research of UMass Professor Robert S. Feldman, complete strangers will lie to one another two or three times every 10 minutes for the duration of a conversation.
Unless you are perpetually bound in Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth, you’re guilty of telling a few fibs every single day. Depending on your upbringing, this fact could render you constantly sick with self-reproach.
Enter Sean Spicer: who, for a nominal fee, will allow you to unburden yourself of remorse through private calls whispered into a disposable phone in a dark pantry. He will even offer helpful pointers for the next day’s lies such as “I found the money in an old birdhouse,” or “sheesh — at least three times a week” or “of course I voted.”
Alas, for now, Spicer is busy spinning this week’s White House woes into his next press conference whoppers. His bellicose boss, however, should think twice before besotting his pugnacious protege’.
As the old saying goes: anyone who will lie for you will lie to you.
[cover photo: Noobie Nikon via flickr]