6 Valentine's gifts that tell the one you love you're breaking up with them
Valentine’s Day is an overly commercialized love-centric clusterfuck known for expensive prix fixe menus at mediocre 3 star restaurants and lots of the color red. While the day is intended to celebrate love, it really just makes everyone question life choices and an understanding of what love really is.
Technically, Valentine’s Day wasn’t even about love originally — it was about celebrating the life of some Roman dude that may or may not have existed sometime around 250 AD. Then the whole “Valentine” thing as we know it began in 18th Century England because they had nothing better to do than cut paper doilies into heart shapes. Thanks a lot, 18th Century England.
Now, Valentine’s Day just reminds single people that they’re an unlovable sack of shit destined for a life of debilitating loneliness, while reminding those in relationships they’re miserable and hate their significant other. It’s a tremendous lose-lose situation for everyone.
But besides manufacturing misery, Valentine’s Day makes companies a fuck ton of money as people spend more and more each year chasing the dragon of romance. This year, the average person will spend $180 on Valentine’s Day — with young guys spending by far the most. Men ages 18-34 in committed relationships say they expected to pay $371, according to one survey. Proving once again that young guys think they can respectfully pay for pussy by taking a girl to an expensive dinner instead of going the direct route and getting an escort off of Craigslist.
But we know how things go, and realize that far too many people are stuck in relationships they hate and are dreading Valentine’s Day. Luckily, with a few days left before the holiday there is still time to take action. You don’t need to remain trapped in the system. A nice V-Day dinner wasn’t going to save your doomed relationship anyways.
Here are some gift ideas to send the message that your love ship has sank and the relationship is over.
Card Addressed To Someone Else
Show them how little you care by giving them a card addressed to someone else — preferably someone with a really shitty name like Jasmine or Chad. In the card, make sure you make it seem like you’ve had a second relationship for years. This ensures they think you’re a piece of shit and they will never want to see you again. Which is what you want out of a breakup, right?
A Dozen Dead Roses
You can’t just show up to dinner carrying a dozen dead roses, so this takes a little planning. You’ll need to buy the flowers a few days early and soak the stems in alcohol. Eventually the flowers will wilt and die. Now, have someone drop the roses off at your significant other’s front door. When they get the roses, they might think you just bought flowers from the world’s shittiest florist, so make sure you include a dramatic note. Something like: “You make these flowers look beautiful in comparison,” should do the trick.
A Large Empty Box
Wrap the box up and put a nice bow on it; presentation is everything. When they open the box and find that it’s empty, they’ll probably be confused. It is at this point that you explain to them that the box is empty because it’s for them to pack up all their shit. Since its Valentine’s Day maybe play some Frank Sinatra or something equally romantic while they pack up. This will also help drown out the sound of their crying and fit within the holiday theme.
Taxidermied Stuffed Animal
Stuffed animals are terrible Valentine’s Day gifts in the first place. Why would you give your adult girlfriend a toy intended for children that was made in some Vietnamese sweatshop? Where’s the romance in that? Luckily, taxidermied animals can be had for cheap at local flea markets and on eBay. Just make sure you stick to small critters, like squirrels and other rodents, to keep costs down.
Chocolate Covered Habaneros
Chocolate covered strawberries are a Valentine’s favorite but they aren’t going to make someone break up with you. Fortunately, it just so happens that nature makes something shaped exactly like strawberries — the world’s hottest pepper, the habanero. To do this properly you’re going to have to get crafty and make this yourself. Cut the top off a strawberry and attach that to the bottom half of a habanero to ensure no one can tell the difference. Cover the combo in chocolate and you have perfect chocolate covered little breakup candies.
Using any of these techniques to breakup on someone on Valentine’s Day is admittedly a little harsh; so make sure you include a box of tissues with your other gifts. This way, when they are crying and say you don’t care, you can prove them wrong. You gifted them tissues because you care about them, and maybe your sofa cushions. You aren’t a monster, after all.