6 Lazy-ass sex moves for when you want to come but don't want to try

6 Lazy-ass sex moves for when you want to come but don't want to try

SexDecember 15, 2016 By Isabelle Kohn

Guess what?

You can burn up to 207 calories during a cardiovascularly intensive 30 minute sex session.

... Gross.

That's not what you want. That's not what you want at all.

Why? Because look at you; you're lazy. Especially right now. The sun's been setting at 11 a.m., it's three degrees outside and your only motivation to get out of bed after this titty twister of a year is the prospect of taking tiny, unnoticeable bites out of your roommate's leftover pizza while they're at work. You just don't feel like doing anything that doesn't start in "Net" and end in "-flix," and you particularly don't feel like moving ... even for sex.

But, since not even the energy-sucking weather or the depressing weight of the world can contain your legendary arousal, we made you this vital list of ways you can get off by barely moving, talking, or breathing so you can conserve what little energy you have for 2017. Hot-ish!

Masturbating near each other while watching Fraiser

Can be substituted with Married With Children. Whatever. Any show you don't actually have to watch, but still provides a backdrop distracting enough to keep you from speaking to each other.

Anyway.

Mutual masturbation is a lazy, yet effective way to get off because of the obvious stipulation that you don't have to touch each other. You have to exert no beguiling charms on anyone but yourself, and since you're already too familiar with your own body and what you like, you can each get off using the most minimal effort humanly possible.

The snug-to-fuck

So, you know when you're sleeping, and you're spooning, and one of you wakes up and gets a boner, and the other wake up and starts grinding on it, and the only thing keeping you from fucking is a thin layer of pajama?

All you have to do is slide down the pajama and voila — the laziest sex in the world.

No turning to face each other for an obligatory morning-breath kiss. No discussion of "How did you sleep?" or "Why do you keep saying 'Don't tickle me, Daddy!' in your sleep?" No worrying about whether or not you wiped the sleep out of your eyes or the drool off your lips. No nothing.

Just the pure, obscenely sloth move of staying in the exact same position you fell asleep in. Bonus points if you go back to sleep immediately afterwards.

The dead, yet still pretty fresh and sashimi-quality fish

This one's great for when one of you's got enough energy to do the work, but the other one is like, "Meeeehhhhh."

Give the meh partner permission to literally just lie there and take it for once. Alleviate the pressure of them having to display any particular emotional or physical reaction to sex that doesn't come naturally.

We know it sounds weird, but often times, we respond to sex the way we see people do in porn and movies — with a bit of cinema. But really, what would sometimes feel the best would be to focus less on the performance and more on the pleasure. This is the beauty of the dead fish move.

One married mother of three who we interviewed earlier this year won Queen of the Lazy Sex with a version of the dead fish she calls the "Lazy Side Tap," or LST.

"When I know I am too tired but he wants it, I turn my back to him and pull down my panties and hand him the lube," she said. "I can still watch TV even! I think that doing that is not cheating yourself, it's recognizing that guys have different needs than girls. It's good to have your guy getting off often, it keeps their juices flowing, it keeps them hard, keeps them wanting you, keeps their libidos hot. Hot for me."

Welp — mother knows best.

Phone sex using scripts

Talking dirty over the phone with your fuck-person is two things.

First, it's as spicy-picante as Satan's descending colon.

Second, it's the pinnacle of laziness — you're not actually doing anything; you're just talking about doing it.

Thing is, thinking of the right thing to say can be as difficult and draining as pumping away in person. Phone sex (and dirty talk in general) forces you to be creative and think on your feet — something you definitely don't want to do right now since you can't even be bothered to change the channel away from Fraiser.

Good thing there's a simple fix: use a phone sex script. With a script, you can extend your physical laziness to mental lethargy, using no more brainpower than the single neuron it takes to read out loud. Mild!

Here are a few to get started with.

Old, arthritic doggy-style

A younger, more spry canine or human couple would act out doggy style with one parther on their hands and knees and the other giving it to them from behind.

An older, more osteoporosis-ridden pairing hellbent on sexual apathy would take the same primal spirit of doggy and do it laying down. Did you hear us? Laying down.

For this one, the partner being penetrated needs to do no more than lie on their stomach with their face down, or to the side. The penetrative partner simply lies on top of them and goes at it from behind.

You'll yawn so hard you'lll think you were watching PBS.

Googling Bill Murray

Simply type "Bill Murray" into the Google search bar, and prepare for eruption.

Or, Ask Jeeves.