6 reasons why you should always trust vodka the most

6 reasons why you should always trust vodka the most

VicesDecember 31, 2015 By Tyler Mistretta

For years some of us have been mocked for our preference of vodka over other alcohol varieties.

Critics always say it’s the premium liquor choice of zit-faced high school seniors, sorority chicks and Stalin. But these claims are slander against the czar of the alcohol world. What vodka lacks in color (and in flavor), it makes up for in its straightforward approach to intoxication. When it comes down to it, the point of liquor is to get you drunk, right? Why complicate matters with flavorful nonsense?

6. The morning after suck isn't as bad ...

Listen, if you're drinking for the purpose of drinking (i.e. getting drunk) you need to take proactive steps to prevent the inevitable morning-after disaster as best you can. We're not talking about all out reduction of the amount you drink, because that’s just insane. We're talking about making sure you don’t wake up at 11 am on Sunday, scrambling to find a box of ammunition in your closet because it seems better to Kurt Cobain yourself than deal with the headache.

Vodka contains substantially less congeners than its colored alcohol counterparts. Congeners are byproducts of fermentation that help create a lot of the flavor in alcohol, but also greatly increase the risk of hangover. This is one of the many reasons it's great that vodka is designed to be “flavorless.” While everyone goes on and on about the antioxidants in red wine, no one seems to care about the fucking awful hangover you have the next day from it. Vodka is the clear winner here.

5. Vodka reduces stress better than other alcohols ...

If you want to unwind after a hard day of bending over to societies demands, there's no better alcohol to serve this purpose than vodka. This is probably why Russians are such a relaxed people. Don’t reach for the wine. Vodka is proven to reduce stress more effectively than red wine and generally makes you less affected by stress in comparison to other booze choices. So grab the Ketel One and start that rom-com marathon you high-strung bastards.

4. It reduces the risk of Alzheimer's ..

Sometimes its best to forget your most embarrassing drunk moments, but it sucks when you can’t remember anything. Regular vodka consumption has been shown to help reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s. What a swell fellow vodka is. He helps you forget hooking up with that hard 4, and helps you remember your grandkids name’s when you’re 80. Vodka has your back.

3. It whitens those nasty ass teeth ...

Don’t pay for Crest White Stripes to fix that jacked up grill any longer. Just drink copious amounts of vodka. The magical Polish potion is proven to whiten teeth and can freshen breath just as effectively as Listerine. Just make sure you don’t add mixer. Especially Red Bull, because that shit erodes your teeth and you will have meth mouth in no time.

2. It's perfect for cleaning drunken wounds ...

So you’ve been drinking all night and decided to try and kill a spider with an empty beer bottle, and now your hand looks like you played patty-cake with a plate glass window? Well you’re in luck, because vodka is a natural antiseptic. Pour some on the wound to prevent infection. Just make sure you get all the glass out. Also, it’s going to burn like a bitch but it’s better than getting gangrene.

1. It also cleans the fuck out of everything ...

Inviting that tinder date over for some Netflix and Chill but your apartment looks like someone skinned and quartered and Elk in the living room? Well you wanted to get drunk and you do have vodka right? Perfect! Vodka is an excellent cleaner for everything from windows and mirrors to piss stained toilets. No more window licking for you, Cletus.