6 Simple ways to harvest your body for cash
When the bank runs dry and you’ve already fished all the pennies out of the local fountain, you might start to panic. You need money for rent, for Netflix, for Domino’s pizza delivery. Yet you’re not ready to pursue a life of crime, or sacrifice every moment of your waking life to take on some part-time customer service position, forcing polite smiles for crotchety old fogies that demand to talk to your supervisor.
Thankfully, you don’t have to sell your soul just yet. You can just sell your body, instead. This whole time, you’ve been sitting on a goldmine — you just didn’t know how to capitalize on it.
SELL YOUR SPERM
It’s a funny thing, being a sperm donor. You’re expected to be a tall, handsome, intelligent, and successful man who, for whatever reason, still needs to jack off into a cup to make ends meet.
However, if you can meet your local clinic’s selective criteria, there’s a pretty penny to be made in jizzing into a plastic tube, with average estimates of $30 - $200 per donation, and up to $1,000 per month.
Of course, there are a ton of drawbacks to sperm donation, like the extremely limited selection of pornographic materials, the long-term contracts that require donations at least every week for 6 months to a year, the toll on your sex life taken when cumming outside the clinic is strictly forbidden (because it would significantly reduce your sperm count).
Most important of all, if you choose to maximize your profits and become an open donor — meaning the parents or their children can access all of your personal information to contact you — you run the real risk of fathering 100 children who might someday wash up on your doorstep looking to reconcile a relationship with their long-lost father.
SELL YOUR BLOOD
Boring whole blood won’t rake in the big bucks. Plasma and platelets, however, are something people are willing to pay for.
Plasma will bring in an average of $50 per donation — if you can stand to sit around for an hour and a half feeling like a cow being milked from its udders while your whole blood is drained, the plasma is separated, and then protein-depleted blood is returned back to your body.
Selling platelets is a similar, yet less popular, process because it takes a little longer, and can’t be repeated as frequently as plasma donation.
But plasma donation centers are not an uplifting place to frequent. They’re not congregations of Good Samaritans eager to heal the sickly. Far more often, they’re bursting with hollow-eyed, down-on-their-luck folks, impoverished and impatient to get paid.
To maintain a positive attitude in a pit of despair, remember that your donated plasma can be used to treat people with blood clotting disorders, autoimmune diseases, and even burn victims.
SELL YOUR EGGS
Ladies’ sex cells are a much more precious commodity than men’s, with egg donations averaging an $8,000 payout.
However, donors say that every penny is well-earned, with weeks of doctor’s visits for physical and physiological tests, daily self-administered fertility injections, and an outpatient surgical procedure with days of rest necessary to recover.
Anecdotal horror stories and long lists of possible complications are enough to scare away anybody. However, many donors say the ability to provide a family with the little heathen they’ve always wanted is remarkably rewarding — much more so than it is for men, who simply masturbate into a test tube, rather than a ratty old sock.
If you’re a lady looking to multiply her profits, you can instead make $40,000 to $52,000 providing a surrogate child 9 months of womb and board.
SELL YOUR HAIR
Any woman who looks like Rapunzel and any man who spent the past several years playing bass guitar for a jam band can cash in on this prime opportunity.
The best wigs and hair extensions come straight from the head of a human. After all, customers aren’t dropping the big bucks to buy the mane that’s been clipped off a donkey’s ass.
If you’re pawning off virgin hair — which hasn’t been dyed, bleached, permed or regularly fried like a fish fillet under the heat of flatiron — you could expect an average of $500 for a minimum of 10 inches.
Listing sites like Buyandsellhair.com and Onlinehairaffair.com are a perfect place to find customers, and although they charge a one-time listing fee, they don’t take any commission from the big sale.
The key to striking gold is to entice the buyer. Don’t simply say you’ve snipped off your rat-tail and are offering it to the highest bidder. Describe the length, color, texture and desirability of your locks as if you’re setting up the climactic sex scene of a romantic novella.
SELL YOUR URINE
As long as there are people who do drugs, there will be demand for squeaky clean urine. Thanks to sites like Urinetheclear.com, subtly-phrased Craigslist posts, and a dark web emporium of disturbing goods, a legitimate market for piss has evolved.
Unsurprisingly, in many states, selling your pee isn’t strictly legal. This is all thanks to some schmuck named Kenneth Curtis, who years ago, launched a lucrative business selling more than 15,000 samples per year for $69 a pop to drug-users who needed to pass the next pee test. After Curtis was caught, several states outlawed his business model.
If you still want to try and turn your piss to gold, make sure the police aren’t hot on your (pee) trail.
BECOME AN ESCORT
To sell your body, you don’t necessarily have to peddle away your kidneys. If you can carry a conversation and act attracted to someone you otherwise wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole, escort services might be your calling.
Both lonely men looking for the girlfriend experience and angels looking for cowboys are willing to drop some guap on good-looking companionship. For a couple hundred dollars per hour, you can be fawned over, wined and dined — although there’s often the unspoken assumption that behind closed doors, you’ll show your client the kind of theatrical sexual performance deserving of an Oscar.
The point is, falling on hard times doesn’t mean you have to pawn off all the family heirlooms, your precious Pokémon cards and your Beanie Baby collection. When it comes to untapped sources of income, your body is a wonderland.