6 Unorthodox ways to wake yourself the fuck up in the morning
Your alarm goes off.
You throw it across the room or hit snooze 348 times and go back to sleep in one fluid movement like the consummate professional sleeper-in-er you are. Nothing can wake you — your body has adapted to everything your alarm clock can throw at it, and now, you just laugh in its face as it makes its daily attempt to rouse you.
Too bad the joke's on you. Now you're late for work. Now you have no time to feed or coffee yourself. Now you realize those mass-produced Target wall hangings that say "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee" are about you.
What if there was a better way to get out of bed? A more vigorous, aggressive attempt to wrench you from your slumber in order to ensure you meet you daily responsibilities alert and on-time?
Wonder no more, because we've compiled a list of thoroughly unorthodox — and in some cases, totally insane — life hacks to get you the living hell out of bed and into the world. Some of them make up for the puny alarm sounds your phone so pathetically offer you; others do them one better by forcing you to do things no man, woman or child should ever have to do at 7 a.m.
Good night, and good luck.
1. Set "Sandstorm" by Darude as your cell phone alarm
Ten out of ten doctors agree that "Sandstorm" is the number one way to get your blood pumping to near-aneurysm levels. Even if you snooze it a couple of times, you'll be so infected by the evil beat that you'll shoot, Frankenstein-style, upwards from your horizontal slumber into the world with the electrifying current of '90s rave jams just juicing the adrenaline from your adrenal glands.
2. Wake yourself up to a chase
If you're one of those people who's willfully enslaved by the dreaded snooze button, you'll want to meet Clocky.
Clocky pities the snoozing fool.
After one snooze, Clocky will literally jump right off your nightstand and hide from you until you furiously chase it down and turn it off.
It’s only $10, which is a pretty small investment for a device that makes you chase it around the house until it feels you're properly conscious.
3. Make breakfast plans with someone you give two shits about
There’s nothing worse than being late for something, or someone important. Force yourself to wake up earlier by scheduling things you care about in the morning like breakfast with friends, personal training sessions, breakfast with friends, meetings, or breakfast with friends.
Having to be accountable and knowing you're getting up to do something enjoyable like eat waffles makes it a lot easier to roll out of the warm embrace of your comforter, an effect which multiplies the more you like the person you're meeting. You don't want to stand your best friend up at the mimosa and egg sandwich place, do you, you cruel, sleepy bastard?
There are breakfast potatoes out there in the world. Go to them.
4. Bankrupt yourself with charitable donations
What if every time you hit the snooze button on your alarm, a small, yet noticeable amount of your hard-earned money was automatically and irrevocably donated to charity?
Our guess is you'd be a lot more likely to get the fuck up.
The SnūzNLūz alarm clock is perhaps one of the best ways to do this. It uses your own money as an incentive to get you up by donating a chunk of change from your bank account to a charity of your choice every time you press "snooze." If you don't want to buy a whole alarm clock setup, the iCuckoo phone app does the exact same thing: hemorrhages your ramen fund for a good cause in the case your lazy ass feels like sleeping in.
You can be poor and well-rested, or rich and slightly less well-rested. It's a choose your own adventure kind of thing.
5. Orgasm everywhere
Thank sweet baby Jesus that someone has finally come up with a viable solution to the torture of waking concsiousness; a device that not only wrenches you from your cozy dream world, but does so in quite the enjoyable manner: via orgasm.
It's called the "Little Rooster," and it's a god damn vibrator alarm clock that wakes you up with an earth-shattering pussy pulsation. All you do is put it in your panties, situate it nicely on your clit, set the ungodly time of day you want to get up, and doze off into never-never world. When it's time to awaken ... blast off.
Why ... has no one thought of this before?
A dude version is reportedly coming soon.
6. Violently fling your lifeless body into a wall
Sleep through this, asshole.