6 Ways to balance your career with your drinking problem

6 Ways to balance your career with your drinking problem

VicesMay 19, 2016

Bosses, co-workers and the fact that you’re living someone else’s dream are some of the many reasons work often requires a side of anything strong with those spreadsheets. Like drinking at church, you must abide by the rules of office drinking. Our six rules will have you in the clear and on track to a promotion before the second round of shakes kick in.

1. Flask It
Any drink is possible with the flask, aka the old alcoholic’s best friend. With this portable liquor storage device, your options include using chasers (any normal drinks around the workplace), spiking beverages or taking pulls. If the latter is your choice, beware of alcohol breath and/or drinking too much too fast. It’s best to take pulls in discreet places, not under your desk or around a corner.

Tip: Step up the whole flask game by upgrading to a Camelbak if you work outside; those plastic bags fit at least a whole bottle of alcohol or even wine (be weary of No. 3). For desk jobs, sealed, to-go coffee containers work well.

2. Drink Vodka
It’s the prime drink consumed by alcoholics because it’s practically odorless once it’s down. For some reason, vodka doesn’t make your breath smell as much, and its smell is usually perfectly covered by a chaser. Added bonus: A mid-shift hangover is less likely because vodka contains fewer additives and contaminants and less sugar than other liquors.

3. No Red Wine (or anything that stains your mouth)
As obvious as this may seem, everyone knows someone who drank wine in class and pulled it off ... and someone who probably didn’t. You can get away with it, but it’s not likely. The inevitable stained lips and teeth are too obvious a sign of day drinking. Stick to the whites if you actually have to speak, especially to the professor or your boss.

4. Shots Before Work and During Lunch Break
This technique is the second easiest way not to get caught on the job with liquor because you’re not actually drinking at the workplace. You still have to plan on adding shots into your morning routine, making it to work safely (don’t want a DUI on the way) and getting past everyone in the office not smelling or acting drunk. Then there’s the chance of a mid-day or even mid-morning hangover or meeting. To prevent that potentially horrible experience, re-up and take a few shots (maybe add a beer) during your lunch break only after you’ve checked your calendar. Take a shot before lunch, drink a beer with lunch and end with a shot after lunch to expedite the process without getting sick. Three drinks in 30 minutes to an hour should boost your buzz right back up. Bring plenty of gum, a toothbrush and/or mouthwash.

5. Coke Can Classic
Dating back to hanging out in the parks as a youth or to bringing an open can to class now, this one’s simple and classic: Open a can of Coke (or a carbonated beverage of your choice), drink a few sips, then fill it up with your liquor of choice. You could replace an entire drink with beer, but it takes longer, loses carbonation and smells like, well, beer.

6. Infused Fruit (and other foods)
This may take a little extra effort, but it’s definitely is worth the time. Just think, this time next Monday you could be sitting at your desk eating strawberries soaked in your liquor of choice. It doesn’t have to be that strong, but vodka, again, is the best. Clear rum in watermelon or tequila in pineapple make a nice tropical blend for those days when you’re further away from the beach than you want to be.