7 sex-free ways to sell your body for money

7 sex-free ways to sell your body for money

CultureSeptember 03, 2014

When you’re low on funds, your body’s got your back. The human body is essentially an epidermis-covered cash machine. Instead of honing a skill or actually working, earn a living off your everyday functions.

1. Sell your eggs $5,500- $6,000/retrieval
When you can’t find any eggs in your fridge, think about donating the ones in your uterus. If you’re a healthy woman between the ages of 18 and 25 you can earn up to $6000 for your unwanted gametes. All you have to do is go to a doctor and start a six-week to four-month hormone injection regimen. After weekly blood tests and one final shot of HCG, they’ll be ready to harvest those eggs of and hand you a fat check. Careful though, you’ll need to use lots of protection if you wanna get freaky up to two weeks after you donate. Otherwise, you’ll end up with a rugrat of your own. You’re gonna have to sell a lot more than eggs to pay for one of those. 

2. Sell your sperm - $600/month
If your masturbation habits keep getting you fired, why not turn your wanks into well-earned cash? If you’re a healthy male between the ages of 18 and 35 with abounding, virile sperm, you could make about $600 a month for your, erm… contribution. You’ll be genetically screened, and if you have what it takes you’ll sign a six-month to year-long contract that requires you to whack it weekly at the doctor’s office. It’s not as comfortable as your bean bag, but you’ll finally be able to afford that chick-magnet scooter you’ve had your eye on. Money never came so easily.

3. Sell real estate in your uterus - $30,000 + expenses
When you can’t afford your rent think about taking in a roommate, an internal one that is. Your new rent-paying addition won’t bring home goobers from the bar at 3 a.m., gives you an excuse to be a mega-bitch and her room is already set up inside you. All you have to do is carry it around for nine months, pop it out and boom, you’re walking to to the bank while some sad-sacks feed and clean the resulting poop machine. You’ll have to stay sober for nine months and do the whole labor thing, but hell for $30,000 plus an extra $5,000 in expenses for all the care you’ll need, you’ll be able to buy a van to live in. When all is said and done, you’ll also be able to hawk your maternity clothes to your girlfriends that got knocked up for free... suckers.

4. Sell your plasma -$300/month
Gas isn’t free, and when you go to pawn things you don’t really need so you can fill up the tank, put down the Xbox and lift up a vein. Plasma is the liquid part of your blood that you’ve got more than enough to share. It’s used for all sorts of medical things you don’t care about because you’re just looking for an extra $40 in your wallet twice a week. If you’re 18, clean and at least 110 pounds, you could make up to $300 a month by relaxing in a chair for an hour while phlebotomists remove your blood, separate it and return the red cells into your broke-ass body. You even get free lunch of orange juice and crackers. That’s what we call a win-win situation.

5. Sell your hair - $200-$400/ponytail
If the first step to creating a new industrious adult you who pays all the bills on time includes a full makeover, don’t just leave your hair on the salon floor, sell that shit. You could be making between $200 and $400 dollars for your luxurious locks because human hair is a hot commodity for wigs and extensions. If you’ve got long virgin hair, some rich lady will pay top dollar to get it on her shiny, bald head. Sure you could just donate it to cancer patients, but that cell phone bill isn’t gonna go away because you made someone’s life a little better. If anyone is willing to shell out cash money for your too-long tresses, let’em.

6. Sell your body to medical testing - $600 and beyond
Too broke to afford health insurance? Sign up for medical trials. When pharmaceutical companies need to find out what their new super-drug does, they need desperate folks like you to test’em out. Of course they don’t just test anyone, you have to meet the criteria for the trial and live sorta close. But if you make it you’ll be advancing medicine, curing your chronic puff penis and getting paid fat stacks the whole time. Then there’s the added bonus of free healthcare for life if the drug is shit and really fucks you up. They can’t very well release the virus that was supposed to cure ED but actually turned you into a zombie into the general population, even if you can afford the co-pay now.

7. Sell your underpants - $10 - $50 a pair
When your fridge is empty, but your top drawer is full, a good way to get grocery money and clean out your dresser is to start peddling those panties to perverts on the internet. Yea, it’s kinky, but who cares if someone is sniffing your skidmarks while you’re laughing all the way to the bank. Put an ad on Craigslist or another panty selling website and watch the offers roll in. You’ll have to take some photos of you in your unmentionables and create a salacious profile to get some traction, but that’s way easier than say, getting a real job. Boys, don’t think you can’t scratch up some dough with your soiled shorts too. Stanky, pube-laden jock straps go for $25 to $40 on some sites. And, that’s just good economics. Especially if you found someone who gets off on Walmart skivvies, that’s 100 percent profit.