7 Things men raised on porn need to learn about sex

7 Things men raised on porn need to learn about sex

CultureMarch 25, 2016 By Isabelle Kohn

For some of us, porn was just as much of a parent as Ted or Nancy, your actual parents. Don't lie, that's totally what their names are. 

But because Ted and Nancy's modest Midwestern sensibilities have barred them from speaking to you about sex, you had to turn to porn to learn the ways of the wild. Porn raised you, and now, you revere it like a strong father whom you respect, but also maintain a healthy, albeit irrational, fear of.

Problem is, the lessons porn teaches aren't always the right ones, and sometimes you have to throw yourself out into the real world to realize it.

But for those who are too lazy/horny to go out and experience that shocking revelation, we've compiled a list of all the ways that porn has deceived you during your ascension to adulthood, and what to do about it.

1. Sex doesn't have to have a goal

In porn, everyone "comes." That's the climax of the video. Hooray for spray!

But when you've found some generous IRL babe to touch your bod, making orgasm the one goal of the interaction means you ignore the other 3,283 really valuable parts of the sexual experience. Intimacy, for example. Exploration. Novelty. Other nouns.

“The whole sexual experience can be totally enjoyable, but most men and women are taught to go straight for climax. We educate guys to enjoy the whole ride,” said consultant Robert Kandell to Salon. He coaches men at Onetaste, an orgasmic meditation practice where orgasm is defined as the entire sexual experience beginning at the first thought of making out with someone. That, to us at least, is a much better definition of sex, one that views it as an experience, not a task.

Goal-less sex is awesome, because having no agenda leaves so much more room for exploration of pleasure. When you focus on pleasure, rather than climax, it heightens intimacy and teaches you so much more about how your own body works. That's way hotter ane entirely more unforgettable for your partner than just splooging and leaving.

This shit is very, very important given that so few women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone (only 25 percent). For women, there's a huge difference between orgasm and pleasure (read more about that here), and taking away the pressure to orgasm can help her relax enough to actually get there ... or at least feel really good trying.

Most of the time, this takes place as foreplay, which can just be thought of as a broad category of activities meant to inceasing one’s own and/or one’s partner’s sexual arousal and pleasure. But, it can also include afterplay, which is anything that happens after orgasm.

2. Women experiencing real pleasure sound fucking crazy

In the throes of actual pleasure, women kind of lose it.

There's none of that "Awww yeah, awww yeah, yes yes yes?" shit you hear in porn, where every moan is marked by the confusing upward intonation of a question.

Instead, actual pleasure sounds a lot more primal. Like a fucking wild hog that just got chased through the woods or something. That's how you know you're doing it right.

3. You don't have to scrub clits like they were incriminating blood stains you need to remove before someone sees you

You know when you move your hand so fast that all your fingers blur together and it looks like there's just a skin-toned paddle coming off your arm?

That's way too fucking fast to for a humble clit to handle. They do that shit all the time in porn for some ungodly reason, but it feels like your clit is being windshield-wiped off the face of the planet.

Instead, go slow, light and easy with as much lubrication as you can (spit, vaginal secretions, actual lube, whatever). 

If you ever want to know how to really handle a clit, watch lesbian porn. Everything they do is slow and deliberate and mercifully unmarred by the gnarled hands of some jackass who thinks you treat clits like chickens you have to choke before dinner time.

4. Positions are overrated

In porn, there are a handful of positions you always see people doing. Thing is, those positions are strategically designed so that whoever's watching has the best view of the action, not because it's necessarily what feels best for the people fucking, or even what turns them on. 

So, instead of trying out the positions you see in porn sheerly because you saw people doing them, figure out what feels the best and is the most comfortable for you and your partner. Chances are, she has a favorite position or two, and she'd rather fuck in that limb configuration than to reverse cowgirl squat on your dick.

5. There's no such thing as a successful sequence of moves

A systematic approach in which a man “politely lets himself into the vagina, perhaps waiting until the retraction of the clitoris tells him that he is welcome, is laborious and inhumanely computerized,” writes the ever-blunt Germaine Greer in The Female Eunich. “The implication that there is a statistically ideal fuck which will always result in satisfaction if the right procedures are followed is depressing and misleading.”

“You want to be present. You want to feel what you’re partner’s feeling, you want to sensitive to the amount of lubrication, to the engorgement of the labia. And from there, you know when to be rough, when to be aggressive, when to pull on hair, when to smack things, when to be kind,” says Adam Sheck (aka The Passion Doctor). “It’s really a tuning to the body.”

6. You can't just pull it out of her butt and put it in her mouth or pussy

I mean, physically you can, sure. But you shouldn't. Only because, you know, whatever was just in her butt is covered in poo, or at the least, microscopic particles of it. And probably lube. That frothy combination could lead to any number of vaginal infections or gastrointestinal upset. So if you're planning on dipping whatever fuck rod you're using into her ass then into another one of her many welcoming orifices, put a condom on then take it off when you switch.

7. Not every chick likes vibrators

In porn, there are almost as many vibrators are there are people, or in the case of some videos, more. But, contrary to what it seems like on the e-net, not everyone likes 'em.  According to a recent survey of vibrator use, only about 52.5 percent reported using a vibrator during sex or masturbation in the past 12 months.

There's no doubt that a good chunk of those women have probably never tried it, or just hadn't used one recently. But, there's also no doubt that a percentage of those women just don't aren't into the feeling of vibration.

So, if you're one of those awe-inspiring men who feel comfortable using toys in the bedroom, don't automatically assume she wants you to Hitachi her clit to smithereens. She might just want a dildo, a butt plug or something that doesn't vibrate her hips out of alignment with her spine.