70 year-old man demonstrates why you shouldn't put a fork in your penis

70 year-old man demonstrates why you shouldn't put a fork in your penis

VicesAugust 19, 2013

Did this guy forget where his silverware drawer was? Hint: It's not in his dick.

Earlier this month, the International Journal of Surgery Cases published a report about a 70 year-old Australian man who had inserted a fork into his urethra to "achieve sexual gratification." The fork became stuck, and was not visible to the outside world when the man presented his dick to the doctors. Said the doctors, who removed the fork using forceps and "copious lubrication,"

It is apparent that the human mind is uninhibited let alone creative...Autoerotic stimulation with the aid of self-inserted urethral foreign bodies has been existent since time immemorial and have presented an unusual but known presentation to urologists.

Then they made this face:


Fascinating! This fork-dick incident got us interested in why someone would fork-dick themselves. We went on a knowledge journey to find out more about urethral insertions, and here's what we found:

1. According to a 2010 paper cleverly titled 'Putting Lead in Your Pencil: Self-Insertion of an Unusual Urethral Foreign Body for Sexual Gratification,' this is what else doctors have found inside men's dicks lately: Pens, safety pins, telephone cables, glue, cocaine, straws, marbles, light bulbs, carrots, SNAKES, and a host of other shit you can read about in the paper.

2. Not surprisingly, that's really bad for you and your mutilated penis. Patients who insert weird shit into their dicks are at risk for gangrene, calcification, hemorrhage, death by sepsis. and a million other things you don't want happening to your dick.

3. Men who get stuff stuck in their dicks often feel ashamed or embarrassed and therefore delay seeking medical treatment. That can exacerbate medical complications caused by the GOD DAMN SNAKES or carrots or whatever's in there.

4. Most people who insert foreign objects into their urethras are mentally stable.

5. The most common reason for doing something like this to your dick is auto-erotic stimulation, mostly during masturbation.

Well, there you have it! You probably didn't wake up today wishing you knew more about forks in dicks and related issues, but hey, now you're that much smarter. Enjoy your day, and be kind to your dick now.