8 beers that'll put hair on your chest

8 beers that'll put hair on your chest

VicesSeptember 24, 2013

Here's eight perfectly acceptable foods and body parts that have been curiously converted into beer. Probably so you can prove yourself as a man. Or iron-stomached woman.

1. Voodoo Doughnut Maple Bacon Ale

You know what's missing in your glass of PBR? A doughnut. Wait, and bacon. Oh shit, and syrup. Well, thank the beer gods there's Maple Bacon Ale, from Voodoo Doughnuts, that one doughnut shop everyone is obsessed with. It's made with real bacon and syrup, creating a trifecta of culinary sins you can get fat with (bacon, sweet shit, and alcohol).  Also, it has "free range water" in it, so you can feel much better about yourself when you drink it.

2. Mamma Mia! Pizza Beer

WTF is pizza doing in your frosty beverage? Apparently trying to get you to drink it. This stuff is made by taking a a whole Margarita pizza and putting it into the beer mash. Then it gets steeped like the tea bag it's not, so the essence of tomatoes, oregano, basil, garlic, and a whole wheat crust stay in the final product. Sounds crazy, but it might work for you if you like the yeasty flavor of pizza crust and beer together, or you're one of those "I take a bite of my pizza then take a sip of beer and mush it all together in my mouth" kind of people.

3. The Blue Brew from Belvoir Brewery

We know beer and cheese go together. We weren't born yesterday. But do they go together in the same glass, like...cheese beer? Belvoir Brewery thinks so, which is why they took a bunch of whey from the stinkiest cheese in the world, Stilton blue cheese, and stuck it right in their beer mash. The result? Creamy goodness that'll make anyone who you try to kiss after drinking it punch you in the face.

4. Mikkeller Beer Geek Brunch Weasel

We're just going to come right out and say it: there's poo in this one. Weasel beer is created when civets, or fuzzy cute weasel-things eat berries and incredibly expensive coffee beans, then poo it all out. The enzymes in their stomach help break down the coffee beans, and the result is super-concentrated, delicious coffee shit. Then, that deliciousness gets fermented into beer. Then you drink it. And get drunk on poop. So, there's that.

5. Kelpie Seaweed Ale

Initiating history lesson in 3...2...1...In the 1850's, Scottish beer craftsmen grew their cereal crops in fields fertilized by seaweed, which gave the beer a very distinct flavor. Today, the people at Kelpie don't bother with that; they just throw seaweed in the proverbial "pot" and ferment it along with everything else. The result is described as "chocolate-y with the aroma of a fresh Scottish breeze." Makes sense.

6. Rogue Ales Beard Beer

Beard Beer is crafted using natural brewer's yeast that lives on the 30-year-old beard of Brewmaster John Maier. Seriously. And no, it's not John Mayer, so keep your panties on. Apparently, this is all perfectly natural, so drink up. Just watch out for this:

7. Upright Captain Beefheart

Prove how much of a "guys guy" or "non-feminist female" you are with this heart-y beer made from 60 lbs. of charred, fermented bovine ventricle. The idea behind this science experiment was to create a beer with complex, savory flavors rooted in the kitchen. There's some bay leaf, salt and pepper in there too. You are carnivore, hear you roar.

8. Dogfish Head Chicha

Chicha, for all you ladies and gents, is the name for native corn beer, popular for centuries in both North and South America, or anywhere there's corn. Traditionally chicha derives its exotic flavors from strawberries, pink peppercorns, and maize. Well that all sounds nice doesn't it? Okay, then how do you feel about the part where Dogfish Head employees follow along the ancient chicha-making tradition by moistening the corn kernels in their mouths, then spitting them out and forming them into small patties? Yep, you guessed it, chicha is spit beer. The natural enzymes in spit break down the corn in such a way that yields tastiest fermentation. But don't worry, the spit gets boiled away, and all that's left is a fruity, refreshing drink that's been in someone else's GI tract.