8 Things to do with yourself now that all your friends are in relationships
Summer has barely started, but you've already been to 11 weddings in a barn.
You went alone.
Well, not alone. You were 27th wheel. It was great. It was just you, and 13 of your closest friends ... who are in relationships.
In fact, everyone you know is in a relationship. Especially your parents. Every time you call a friend to hang out, they're "getting romantically fucked by bae" or "at bae's parent's house getting romantically fucked" or "in a fight while romantically fucking." What gives? How the hell are you supposed to entertain yourself now that all of your friends are in relationships and low key side relationships?
Well, you know what they say: the grass is always greener. While everyone you know does whatever the shit people in relationships do, you've got all the time in the world to yourself. You can do anything you want! No ball and chain! No responsibilities! Just, pure, unadulterated perennial isolation/ freedom.
Here are a few great ways to spend your time as the last single person left on earth.
1. Spend way too much time making the perfect salad to get the perfect body that attracts the worst people
2. Excessively clean your house just in case someone wants to come over, but they never do because your roommate is always glued to the couch watching Phil Collins documentaries
3. Spend hours looking at houses on Craigslist, then eventually realize you could only ever afford to live in them if you had a girlfriend or boyfriend to split the rent
4. Actually look into ways to fool the system into letting you get an emotional support dog so your landlords can't refuse you that liberty and company
5. Rifle off a series of on-point Tweets about how no one who you ever like likes you back, but then vehemently reject all the people that do
6. Re-write your Tinder bio 800 times to something only you think is funny, then screenshot it and send it to all your married friends, then laugh to yourself, then realize what's going on and re-write it 800 times again
7. Simply sit and wonder whether or not you should shave today. Should you? You should. But you don't want to. Okay. Then don't. But you know the minute you walk out of your house, your OkCupid is going to blow up and the next thing you know, you're necking with Chad or Amanda, dreading the moment they reach down between your legs and find that you've been carefully raising a steel wool garden on your pubis and -- OMG your bank is calling, how exciting!!!
8. Have a relaxing, romantic couple's massage alone, but pay for two "just in case" someone else wants to come in.