9 things you really don't need to be doing right now

9 things you really don't need to be doing right now

VicesSeptember 23, 2013

Public masturbating in Switzerland? Sure. Hanging out at NASA like it's your job? Abso-fuckin'-lutely. But these 9 things? Save yourself the suffering and try as best you can to avoid these activities all together.

 

1. Sending your baby to baby DJ school

There are enough performers called "Lil'- something", or "Young/Yung-whatever." But that didn't stop Brooklyn hipster-extraordinaire Natalie Elizabeth Weiss from opening up Baby DJ school, a place where pre-verbal, pre-motor blobs of cute baby fat can drool on DJ equipment while today's hottest hip-hop remixes play in the background. At least now you'll be able to tell  which babies are the assholes in the group.

2. Inventing these machines. Stop it.

This insult to technology from Frivolous Engineering exists solely to turn of and on it's own switch. Get real.

3. Riding around on one of these

At this point, just get a car. This is a car without a roof. Or just get a motorcycle. For the love of god, just choose one. Don't make our eyeballs the victims of your gross indecision.

4. Lightening your nipples

Your mom was right when she said, "Your dark nipples are beautiful just the way they are. Now go to bed." (From Japan Trend Shop).  

5. Sitting in/going anywhere near this

It may feel "great on your ass," but we're entirely confident that you can work out in a different way...one that maybe doesn't look like you're riding an invisible dick or perishing in an earthquake. We believe in you.

6. Using Rhianna's Instagram to fight crime

According to every news source on the planet, last weekened, Rhianna became a hero. Her Instagram was used to catch two men in Thailand after she posed with a slow loris, which is, as everyone knows, a protected species. Thai authorities tracked down the men who Rhianna borrowed the loris from after they saw her Instagram, and charged them with endangering a protected species. Anyway, what did you do last weekend?

7. Buttering your bread with this

You're better than this.

8. Trying to be provocative by claiming that privilege can be a burden

In what seems to be a severely misguided attempt to seem provocative, Thought Catalog blogger Katie Menendez offered up her thoughts on why coming from a privileged background can be such a pain in the ass...

Blasphemy! We just hope she can wipe her tears away with her new Hermes scarf collection...and that her new highlights look like shit.

9. Talking about pumpkin flavoring

You can only imagine what flavor of latte is in this man's Starbucks cup. Yeah, we get it, pumpkin flavoring ushers in fall and is a total culinary godsend but...wait, what's that? Pumpkin pie in the office? BRB never.