Drink this nice tall glass of retrograde with your July horoscopes
Forget it Cancer, they’re your ex for a reason: awkward toes.
Jan. 21-Feb. 19
You want to define your current relationship, no matter if it started out as a one-night stand or it’s just you and Pornhub. Your key phrase is “I Know,” and right now, you want to know. Stay cool and calm and you’ll be alright. Push too hard and you’ll break what isn’t broken.
Feb. 20-Mar. 20
Hot, spicy romance is the last thing on your mind. You have questions you’re needing answers to. You’re seeking to make a big change in the sex department ... but you need to know what you want before you can ask for it. Like ice cream sandwiches. Make it work for you.
Mar. 21-Apr. 20
Don’t let anyone ruin your summer fun. While everyone else is panicking, you’re enjoying the chaos. You are on fire like MacGyver and are urged to go after that sexy someone you’ve had your eye on. You ooze sexuality like SPF 30, so don’t be afraid to use your famous lucky charms.
Apr. 21-May 21
Your catch phrase this month is “slow the fuck down!” You’re in danger of burning out. Establish an emotional connection and bond with your partner before things get out of hand. Mercury is retrograde this month, so choose your words carefully. It’s not what you say but how you say it.
May 22-June 21
While Mercury is retrograde, you are advised to focus on passion and keep your words out of it. Going forward, you’re a sexual dynamo with the power to seduce anyone you set your sights on. Use your power for good instead of evil to stay out of jail.
June 22-July 22
You hate dry spells, and boy, have you got it bad right now. It’s not too late to shed your demure approach and sex it up. Put on a smile and nothing else and no one can resist you. Whatever you do, DON’T go back to your ex- for any reason, even it if seems like a good idea.
July 23-Aug. 21
You’re a sexy beast! You have a plethora of planets in your sign, and this month is going to be hotter than, well, July featuring Guy Fieri! From the first day to the last, you are irresistible. If you’re currently flying solo, you’ll have a co-pilot soon.
Aug. 22-Sept. 23
It’s barely mid-summer and you’re feeling worn out already! You may want to go out and live it up, but it might be a better idea to stay in and take care of yourself. There’s nothing wrong with rubbing one out once in awhile. Just don’t let it become a permanent plan. You’ll go blind.
Sept. 24-Oct. 23
Hope you like drama, because your sex life is about to become a porn film on Adderall. Luckily, you can use that sexy body of yours to solve any romantic problems. Libra loves compromise, so you’re in for a sensual surprise. It’s time to make that maaaaagic!
Oct. 24-Nov. 22
Get your motor running. Head out on the highway! If there was ever a theme song for you, it’s “Born to Be Wild.” Everyone wants a piece of you, and you’re more than happy to comply. You are charming, confident, seductive, and most importantly, one sexy mother-whaaat.
Nov. 23-Dec. 22
Nothing like faraway places for you this month! You’re out to have a grand adventure, and that means no holds barred. It’s likely you’ll meet a new love interest on the road. Maybe Tom Cruise. It could be just a fling, but you’ll make some sizzling hot memories. Just don’t look them in the eyes.
Dec. 23-Jan. 20
You want it your way or the highway. Compromise is one thing, but demands are a different animal. If someone’s giving you lip, cut them loose. That goes for both business and bedroom. This is the month to stand up for yourself. It’ll hurt so good.