Adult cereal is the real breakfast of champions

Adult cereal is the real breakfast of champions

CultureMarch 22, 2017 By Lindsey Kline

We’ve got a bone to pick with Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, and Cap’n Crunch. They’re not nearly sexy enough. Sure, we can invest in a box of Wheaties and endure its sawdust taste just to enjoy the hunk on the cover — but the rest of the innocent mascots on our boxes of breakfast cereal just aren’t cutting it. When we want to spice up our mornings with a little sex appeal, we need a truly adult cereal.

Finally fulfilling our needs for a deliciously suggestive breakfast is startup Cereal Motel, which recently unveiled a new line of cereals featuring smutty cardboard covers. Although you won’t be able to find these raunchy cornflakes at your local grocery store, it’s worth your time to browse the aisle of their online inventory.

You can choose your favorite among Vice Krispies, Porn Flakes, Sugar Tits, and Booty Pops. Peep your pornographic options below:

VICE KRISPIES

If you’re sick of staring at the ugly mugs of Snap, Crackle, and Pop on every box of Cocoa Krispies, give provocative Vice Krispies a go. These multigrain rice crunchies can simultaneously satiate and arouse you.

PORN FLAKES

Porn Flakes are the perfect fix for those deviants who adore erotic cartoon animals. This cereal is by far the sexiest source of your daily dose of fiber.

SUGAR TITS

Sugar tits isn’t the most nutritious breakfast on the market, but it is the bustiest. If you can manage to tear your eyes away from its mermaid mascot’s rockin’ tits, you can enjoy a fun word search puzzle on the back of the box.

BOOTY POPS

Acknowledging Corn Pop’s greatest shortcoming was its lack of back, Booty Pops brings the rump back to “scrumptious.” But enjoy a bowl at the table please, because eating breakfast off your buttocks is harder than Booty Pops makes it look.