Alone in my room at night, I sometimes YouTube clips of Bill Murray to get off

Alone in my room at night, I sometimes YouTube clips of Bill Murray to get off

VicesOctober 25, 2016 By Isabelle Kohn

Even though his face looks like bubbling cheese that spilled out of a Hot Pocket in the microwave and then fell on some hair, I can't resist. There's just something about him, some unnameable quality that makes my ovaries sweat sex chemicals.

When I go public with this information, I get a lot of weird responses.

"But he's like 60!" some people say.

Wrong; he's 65.

"Ewww, gross," others ejaculate out of their mouths (I'm intentionally using the word "ejaculate" to belittle them). Some people can't fathom an attraction to someone as gloriously weathered and droopy as he, let alone understand why I'd take the time out of my day to, I don't know, masturbate to The Life Aquatic.

These, of course, are the type of people who are attracted to Bradley Cooper ("He's so cute in Silver Linings Playbook!") or that dude who plays Thor. These are people who are like, "Alright, Kate Upton! Countdown to Bonerville! All systems go!"

There's nothing wrong with these people. Their tastes are theirs and that's fine. But, these are the people I weed out when I can. Because these are the people who think attraction is a physical thing ... who believe in the 1-10 rating scale.

"She's a four. He's a seven." "She's out of your league." Blah blah blah.

So often today, we judge ourselves on whether we're worthy of love by how we look. We think if our butts were rounder, our abs flatter, our arms more toned or our eyebrows darker, so-and-so would only love us more.

But that kind of physical connection; the one you get from an initial attraction to someone, is fleeting.

You already know this. You're well aware by now of the meaninglessness of looks. But, as a society, we still let them inform our impressions of people. We still let it decide who we do and do not fall in love with. Or fuck. Or even talk to. Thus, physical attraction is limiting; it narrows down our options and causes us to operate within the boundaries of what we consider our "type," regardless of whether that's actually good for us.

When we go beyond how we look, we discover things like humor, intelligence, kindness, and confidence, things that explain why there really is someone for everyone. You walk around a little, and you'll notice that there are happy couples of all levels of attractiveness around. Even the most genetically unfortunate find intense, passionate love regardless of their appearance because appearance just does not fucking matter. At all.

For me at least, that's why Lost in Translation clips kinda get me off. Bill Murray is a constant reminder of that there are levels of attraction miles deeper and light years stronger that get nowhere near as much credit as physical attractiveness does, and that's hot to me. I like that there are layers of people beyond the surface ones. I like that attraction is so, so much more complicated, nuanced, and unspoken than "Is she thick?" These are the levels I'm tapping into with Bill.

1. He's like the dad you never had

Maybe it's the daddy complex in me, but Bill Murray's much-praised life advice for existing as a happy, non-sucky person is like the equivalent of a thousand erotic massages from male models for me.

He's got one quote on productivity from the New York Times that goes like this: “I realized the more fun I had, the more relaxed I was working, the better I worked ... The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.”

Then he's got another on love where he says, "I think romance basically starts with respect. And new romance always starts with respect.”

The fact that he can tap into his own life experience and leave little morsels of truth and wisdom around the Internet is amazing. This is very different from other "hot" celebrities, say Leonardo DiCaprio or the aforementioned Thor dude, neither of which have uttered anything half as helpful, at least to my knowledge.

Squirt.

2. What's behind his sad fucking eyes

Look at them. How can anyone who brings so much joy to people hold that level of sadness in his eyes? I don't know that he's actually sad, but their sheer shape is fascinating, not because of how they look, but how they make you feel. They do this slight inward upturn thing that makes him look like he understands you, like he's gazing at you with absolute empathy. And when he does his signature Wes Anderson-y deadpan (see Rushmore, see the Royal Tenenbaums), his eyes still convey this wealth of emotion even though the rest of his face registers as thoroughly unimpressed.

He doesn't have to let his vulnerability or kindness show through his eyes, but he does, and gives zero fucks about it. In other news, Niagara falls is actually my vagina.

3. He has moments of jarring poignancy

Bill Murray's one of the funniest people of all time, but when you try to be funny always, it lessens the effect. Instead, Bill Murray intersperes moments of humar with moments of vulnerability. This gives his serious moments 1,000 times more weight, and you hang on every syllable he says.

4. He's humble.

I'm not entirely alone in thinking People Magazine makes a mistake every year when they award some schmuck like Matt Damon or George Clooney the title of "Sexiest Man Alive." In fact, MTV christened him with that same title during the premiere of his film The Monuments Men, but his response was no more than a bemused shrug. A shrug, and then he walked away like "What the fuck ever, MTV." I love that.

See, everyone loves Bill Murray. Everyone. Maybe not in the XXX way that I do, but he incites absolute adoration from man, woman and child alike regardless of the situation. People deeply respect his work as an actor, he's won many awards, he's universally hilarious, and he's constantly in high demand, but he's let none of this get to his head. He's the anti-diva.

In fact, during the shooting of his recent film St. Vincent, he notoriously gave the production crew back the money they had to put him up in a fancy hotel with limousine service, and instead stayed with a friend and rode a bike to work every day. 

It's this humility that allows him to interact with his fans in ways pretty much no one who's ever been A-listed ever has.

To be that humble, you have to be truly confident. Over-confidence comes off as hubris, pride or arrogance, but true confidence is usually expressed by a down-to-earth attitude of not taking yourself that seriously.

He's also notoriously polite, something that goes hand-in-hand with humility.

Hot.

5. He does whatever he wants

Did you know Bill Murray doesn't have a publicist? Do you know how you have to book him for a movie? You call a phone number that's very hard to get, you leave a message with your script treatment, and if he likes it, he'll call you back. That way, he only works on projects he believes in.

You all remember when he would crash parties a while back too, right? You'd invite him to a party, and maybe he'd show up. He'd bring a six pack, drink it, pass out on your couch and leave.

He's also infamous for photobombing, showing up unannounced to random muggle kickball games, and walking into random restaurants to steal chips off of stranger's plate's with a coy grin. He's does this randomized fan interaction shit so much, that there's even a website dedicated to random acts of Murray that chronicle the ways in which he's made fleeting but epic cameos in people's lives.

I can't feel my face.

I don't know you guys, he just lives in a way we all should; like we don't care who's watching.

So, yeah. That's why I harbor an everlasting attraction to him, and those are just some of the less-than-topical things that make him the desirable object of my fantasies.

Sorry, Bill, I just can't quit you.