Animal porn: how your favorite critters get it on. And you thought you were kinky.

Animal porn: how your favorite critters get it on. And you thought you were kinky.

SexFebruary 22, 2014

When the chance to fuck like an animal presents itself, humans get primitive and take it. No matter what you do — or how you do it — you’ll never get any weirder or kinkier than these animals. Grab a bottle of wine, and light some candles; its’ about to get freaky in here.

Flatworms

Flatworms are gross little sea slugs that, like most invertebrates, are hermaphrodites. To mate, they duel with their dicks and whoever gets stabbed with the penis is injected with sperm and impregnated. How romantic.

Hyenas

Give it up to the hyena for reversing gender roles. Females have pseudopenises that are much larger than male pensises. The males have to penetrate these psuedopenises to procreate. Talk about awkward. Furthermore, these pseudopenises erect at will and are also the urinary tract and birth canal. Female hyenas grew a pair and then some.

Giraffes

Male giraffes know what they want, and it’s babies. Males won’t even bother with a female if she’s not fertile. To find out, he taps her ass which makes her pee. He then takes a sip to taste if she’s ready to breed. If she is, they do. If not, it’s on to the next one.

Bedbugs

Bedbugs aren’t just disgusting and horrible to us, they’re disgusting and horrible to other bedbugs. To propagate the species, males literally impale the female with their phallus. That’s all there is to it. It doesn’t matter where it goes, female bedbugs just get stabbed by dick. The scientific term for this style of mating is “traumatic insemination.” Sounds like fun.

Porcupines

If you’ve ever been on any side of a golden shower, you can relate to the porcupine. From up to seven feet away the male drenches a female in urine. If it turns her on they get it on, and she won’t let him stop until he’s physically exhausted. When that happens, she finds another prickly partner with a full bladder.

Argonaut

These floating octopi with shells are like the couple with four kids who will never be seen in the same room. Males are one inch long in length and females grow up to 18in. They’re too big and scary to actually approach so the male, who can only mate once, detaches his penis. Loaded with sperm, it swims to the female and finds its way in. And you thought your boyfriend was lazy.

Banana Slugs

There’s no such thing penis envy amongst slugs. On average Banana slugs’ penises are six to eight inches long, same size that they are. Life should be a breeze if you’re that hung right? Wrong, if they don’t find another slug that’s the same exact size as they are, they get stuck together. Then the slug who underestimated themselves gets their penis bitten off. Ouch.

Anglerfish

If you think your partner is clingy, be happy you’re not an angler fish. Males are much smaller than females and they have no digestive system. Once they’re born they seek out a female. He then biologically fuses to her head where he stays for the rest of his life. When she’s ready to make some baby fish there’s a sperm bank on her head. How convenient.

Cichlids

These fish get down like a scene from a bad porno flick. The female cichlid gathers all her eggs in her mouth and anxiously waits for the male to come by and fertilize them. Can we say money shot?

Bonobos

When you die, you want to be reincarnated as a bonobo. They’ve got life figured out. They fuck to say hello, in place of handshakes, to keep their troupe happy. There isn’t a reason bonobos won’t bump uglies. Sex all day everyday with everyone you know, that’s the life.

Red-Sided Garter Snakes

No matter how many partners you’ve had, you have nothing on a red-sided garter snake. When the females wake from hibernation they secrete pheromones that bring all the boys to the yard. Hundreds to even thousands of snakes join in a massive orgy. Then they all slither away to lay eggs and wait for next year’s reunion.