April horoscopes are here and that positive t-shirt won't help you in the least
CAPRICORN (DEC 22-JAN 19):
You’ve been pretty ambitious lately, which is your nature. However, it might be that you’ve reached beyond your means. And that stoic thing you do in the face of hardship? Stop it. It’s not normal to suppress all those feels, as it makes you emotionally detached, egotistical, and even more stubborn than Taurus. And that’s saying something; Taureans make stubbornness sexy. You are just a hot, sloppy mess. You can’t ignore your emotions forever, no matter how much you’d like to.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB 18):
You’re going to feel pretty fucking satisfied with yourself this month because intellect will be your guiding light. The only problem is you getting all cocky and bragging about how smart you are. Who do you think you are: Donald ducking Trump? Don’t get all uppity. You also despise emotion this month, and would rather live life inside your head. For now. Those radical ideas, though? They may very well start the revolution the world’s been waiting for.
PISCES (FEB 19-MAR 19):
Last month, partnerships were not your strong suit. In fact, they sucked donkey balls. This may be the perfect time to get out from under that dark and gloomy cloud, Eeyore. Try for a fresh start. It appears the cosmos is going to send a little ray of sunshine your way. Yippee skippee. But … there’s nothing more annoying than Pisces in love. Enjoy it while you can, because you never know when things will start smelling like soiled sheets again.
ARIES (MAR 20-APR 18):
Looks like it’ll be “hurry up and wait” for the first half of the month, which will piss you off. Tough ingrown titty. It could be good for you in the long run though. As long as you can rein in your impatience, you’ll come out smelling like roses. Or maybe that’s Febreze. Or some cheap shit your ex- gave you … you know, when they also gave you herpes? You’re quick-tempered and arrogant, especially when frustrated. Last month it was me-me-me. This month it’s everybody but you.
TAURUS (APR 19-MAY 20):
They call it “routine” because it’s dull and boring. You need stimulation now and to move beyond what’s no longer interesting. You might be forced to take the initiative and make the changes yourself, and that’s great if you can avoid being self-indulgent, lazy, and stubborn. You’re not much of a risk taker, but now you will want to reconsider. It’s better than sitting around getting fatter.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUN 20):
Bad news first. You’re a two-faced, emotionally bankrupt, superficial asshole. But you already knew that. And it’s not like you give a slimy tit about what anyone else thinks, anyway. You’re probably the only sign in the zodiac that knows your own worth. Anyone who tries to tear you down is participating in an exercise in futility. The good news? You have more invitations to more parties than ever before, so tell those naysayers to fuck ALL the way off.
CANCER (JUN 21-JUL 22):
What’s wrong with you? You can’t seem to make up your mind about anything, which is causing a stir amongst your friends. You want things done your way and refuse to budge. Well guess what, crabby? Compromise is a real word and you’d do well to learn what it means. You can try to blame such conflict for your eating disorder, but the truth is, you’re not very good at avoiding temptation. If you simply must resist, at least do it with uncharacteristic style and grace.
LEO (JUL 23-AUG 22):
Your love of the spotlight returns this month, but instead of showing you in all your wonderfulness, it will instead highlight the chinks in your armor and the cracks in your façade. It will show your age, and the fact that you don’t sleep well at night. You can claim that the bags under your eyes are Gucci, but no one will believe you. This month, you’re wearing the Emperor’s new clothes. Tread lightly.
VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP 22):
You think you’re so clever, Virgo, but you’re seeing only what you want to. Mother Teresa was a Virgo, and you might think you’re as virtuous and kind as she was. Nope. She was an asshole too. So instead of engaging in your usual shenanigans, perhaps you could try being real for a change. It will suck, because you’ll actually have to admit your flaws and let the world see you for who you are.
LIBRA (SEP 23-OCT 22):
Are you a good witch or a bad witch? That’s the question of the day. Your bad side means you’re indecisive, manipulative, and superficial. Your good side shows the world that you’re diplomatic, peaceful, just, and charming. This month you’re going to have a difficult time deciding which you should put forth. People are getting on your last nerve, and you’d like nothing more than to subdue them with duct tape and Gorilla Glue. Don’t do it!
SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 21):
You’re faced with a big decision this month: Should you take the road more traveled, or get a flamethrower and burn the world down? You aren’t the anarchist of the zodiac for nothing — though you prefer to call it “passion.” Bitch, please. You wouldn’t know what true passion was if it swiped right on your dick pic. The sooner you get professional help for your obsessive, manipulative, and vengeful nature, the better.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22-DEC 21):
Hey? Where’s that fun-loving soul we all know and love lately? If you had a theme song for this month, it’s the late Gilda Radner singing, “I love to be unhappy, I live to be in pain. When the day is full of sunshine, I’m looking for the rain ... ” Even you must come back down to earth every once in awhile and face reality. It’s not pretty, but it is interesting, if only in the way that car wrecks are interesting.