Being an only child is awesome. Damn right we're gonna tell you why.

Being an only child is awesome. Damn right we're gonna tell you why.

VicesMarch 20, 2014

As the Biebs will tell you, being an only child means you are gifted from the start. You got all your parent’s affection, the best and newest everything and never had to deal with siblings pushing you around or getting you in trouble. We’d like to celebrate you, only children, with seven reasons why you are infinitely cooler than anyone who had to share a bedroom.

1) You never have to share anything ever


Everything that you have is yours; nobody else’s and you don’t have to share it with them either. Eat that whole pizza, drink that whole bottle and feel no remorse because not only did you never learn to share, you don’t care to. Mamma always told you only your happiness mattered, and mamma always knows best.

2) You are the sole source of joy in the world


Who’s going to give your mom a grand kid, graduate college, rule the whole world? You are baby, and only you. You stand in no shadow and make everyone around you proud you are alive. Even if you are addicted to meth and only come around at Christmas time, mom still loves you. She has no choice.

3) You’re an expert at playing with yourself


You spent your childhood alone, so you know all about entertaining yourself. You have no older brother so his bush-fetish magazines didn’t expose you to sex. You exposed yourself to sex, and if you can say so yourself, you’re damn good at it. You spent hours making up elaborate scenarios to act out, and therefore your imagination is infinitely better. You know what you like and how you like it. So while you could invite over a play date, they’ll never live up to your expectations.

4) You have all your own friends


Siblings are notorious for sloughing off unwanted friends on other siblings. Not you though, you hand selected each companion. No leftovers, no hangers on, nobody that was just looking to get into your brother’s pants in your crew. No, only people who love you and only you; just like mother taught you.

5) Your parents only had sex once


As far as you're concerned, your wrinkly, fat, old parents only got it on once, then their genitals clearly fell off or dried up or something, and their sex lives were over. After you were born they couldn’t risk polluting the world with another person who could never compare to the perfection that is you, so they called it quits. You didn’t have to worry about walking in on them, or think for a second that that swing in the basement was used for anything but chiropractics.

6) Your mom is hot


Because you were the only sack of bones to squeeze your way out of dear mommy’s snatch, she’s still hot. Her tits aren’t saggy, her ass isn’t a balloon, her pussy isn’t like an empty, open hallway and she has you to thank for that. Only having to care about one kid’s needs allowed her to spend time on herself and keep that body banging. On second thought, this is a really weird one...

7) You’re smarter than everyone else


You only hung around adults who had the world figured out; therefore, you’re smarter than everyone you know. You didn’t have to listen to children banter about the pros and con’s of Pokémon, or what bike was the fastest,, or what dumbass videogame so and so needs to keep their goddamn hands off of. No, you’re above all that. You’re an intellectual and everyone looks to you for guidance because you have always known the truth and had all the answers.

And did we mention you get all the inheritance? You can maniacally laugh now.