The bizarre history of condoms will make you really appreciate your Trojan Ultras

The bizarre history of condoms will make you really appreciate your Trojan Ultras

SexFebruary 28, 2014

 

Condoms: the savior of manhood and the most important invention in human history, if you ask us. If you’re lucky you roll one on every day, but have you ever stopped to think about where this miracle rubber came from? Like, who was the first guy that thought, “I should wrap this up before we get down?” Well, here we are with a brief history of the cock sock so you may wonder no more.  Finally, a history class that’s as entertaining as it is erotic.

11000 B.C. – The first sign of love gloves were painted on cave walls in France’s Grottes des Combarelles. Considering that population control was the least of early hominid’s worries, they probably wore these to protect their phalluses from saber tooth tigers and wooly mammoths rather than for birth control. 

 

1000 B.C. - Ancient Egyptians are rumored to have worn linens around their johnsons to protect against bug bites as well as prevent pregnancy. Adding a whole new meaning to “Walk like an Egyptian.”

1400 A.D.  - Ancient Chinese and Japanese used glans condoms that covered the head of the penis. The Chinese used oiled, silk paper as their prophylactic of choice, while the Japanese preferred fine leathers, animal intestines, and tortoise shells. Imagine pulling one of those out of your wallet.

 

1500 A.D.  - At this time fish bladders and animal intestine tied at the base with a ribbon were widely used. But, thousands of years of using next-to-no protection is a recipe for epidemic VD. Syphilis was rampant and Gabriel Fallopius found that if you soaked linen in herbs and chemicals and slipped your pecker in there before your lover, you were spared from the disease. Thus, the dawn of safe sex and philandering without worry.

1800 A.D.  - Charles Goodyear, maybe the most important man in history, finds a way to vulcanize rubber making it elastic and usable for shielding schlongs from disease and fatherhood. The first condoms were about as thick as a bicycle tube, and meant to be washed and reused until they deteriorated. Probably didn’t provide the most fantastic sensation, but at least you didn’t have butcher a sheep to get your rocks off anymore. 

1912 A.D. – Latex takes over as the material of choice for condoms everywhere because it was cheap and disposable. Men no longer have to worry about crumbling rubber while bumpin’ uglies.

 

1950 A.D. – Latex technology improves and condoms become thinner. Everyone is happy because sex is finally pleasurable again. Also, the addition of the reservoir tip made space for your spunk to prevent spillage and unintended pregnancy.

1990 A.D. – The first polyurethane condom is made so the poor souls with a latex allergy can practice safe sex without getting a rash, which is arguably worse than a child, or maybe it’s pretty much the same.

 

2013 A.D. – It just keeps getting better as The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announces a $1 million grant for creating the next generation of condoms. Finalists submissions range from using silicone to a saran wrap-like alternative, even condoms that conduct heat and shrink onto your penis for a, “you can’t even feel it” sensation. Who knows what they’ll think of next, maybe an invisible force field condom that vibrates and plays slow jams. We can only hope.

Condoms now come in all shapes, sizes, flavors and colors. You want a thick condom, a thin condom, a bacon-flavored condom, one with a bell on it? Just head to the pharmacy, or ask your older brother, he’s got tons. And, if you feel so inclined, you can still buy the ones made out of animal skin. Finally, we can all rejoice that ribbons, intestines and tortoise shells will never come close to your tool again.