Boss From Hell: 7 Reasons Your Boss is an Asshole
At some point during your rise to the top of the rat race, you'll encounter a dickhead boss who believes they are God's gift to spreadsheets and synergy. The last thing you want is to be stuck underneath them having to deal with their shit. Spot a bad boss from day one with these seven tips.
Takes the customer’s side over yours:
If you have ever worked in retail, there is no doubt you probably have heard your boss tell you “the customer is always right.” Not only is this statement untrue, it grossly over estimates any sort of intelligence a complaining customer usually has. So what if that woman took a shit in the pair of jeans she bought yesterday and now wants to return them? Not only will your boss assure the customer that it’s actually your fault for her shitting her pants, he/she will probably dock your paycheck to give that shit blaster of a customer a refund. If you learn one thing from reading this article, it’s that you should never trust a boss who willingly sides with a lady who has shit her pants. Never. The thing is, it won’t stop there either. A boss who doesn’t take his employees’ side is a person who is scared and weak. If your boss won’t stand up and defend you against a pants shitter, consider your very dignity at the mercy of every K-Mart-shopping redneck who feels he/she deserves something because of his/her pseudo intellect.
Takes credit for your work:
Corporate called today, and hooray: Your branch is one of the most successful in the area. Congratulations! Thanks to you and your work pal Rodriguez, your office not only exceeded the quota of inflatable waving arm guys sold, but you also reached the company record for amount sold in a month. Used car dealerships all over the country are now able to efficiently tell people about their low low prices, all thanks to you. The trouble is, corporate decided not to call you about a promotion. Instead, it called your scumbag boss who claimed he was in charge of the whole increased inflatable waving arm guy sales initiative. Don’t feel bad though, your boss made sure you got your recognition via a $20 gift card to Chili’s. Dinner’s on you tonight, superstar. But really, stealing someone else’s work and passing it off as your own is one of the lowest things you can do as a human being. How can you trust a person who lies and cheats his way through everything? If your boss does this, you can probably be sure he/she has no respect for anyone else and will throw you under the bus as soon as it’s beneficial to do so.
Is super vague about everything:
This type of boss is every introvert’s nightmare. There is nothing worse for a shy person than to be given vague instructions and then left to his own devices. Because let’s face it, when your boss tells you to go take care of the inventory, chances are you will probably spend the next three hours sitting in the stairwell crying because what the hell does “take care of inventory” even mean? This is one of the worst types of situations because there is no quicker way to show your incompetence than by asking your boss to clarify himself a couple of hours after he gave you the orders. There is only one loser in a situation like this, and it’s you. Bosses who can’t give you decent instructions aren’t aware of their own inability to produce coherent thoughts. Therefore, in their eyes, the only person to blame for you not knowing what to do is you. So either you start learning some form of clairvoyance, or you risk pissing your boss off by telling him he sucks at using big-boy words. Your boss is not going to suddenly turn into F. Scott Fitzgerald overnight. Until he does, start learning how to furrow your brow really well, because the furrowed-browed man is not someone who you interrupt. Even your boss knows that.
Makes you work last-minute shifts:
It’s 1 a.m. Friday night and you just finished your exhausting eight-hour shift at the local eatery. You are tired, hungry and just want to go home and get some sleep. But wait, plot twist: Your boss just asked if you could do him a favor and cover for the Saturday 8 a.m. shift. Nevermind that you have worked every night this week, your boss hasn’t gotten around to paying your overtime yet or you were going to smoke weed and watch “South Park” re-runs all day tomorrow. Yeah, if you could just come in tomorrow morning that would be great. You can’t just tell people right as they’re about to get off that they have to cover a last-minute shift. It’s inhumane, and it’s really just a shitty thing to do. By telling you last minute, your boss is essentially saying: Who’s got two thumbs and doesn’t care about you having a life outside of work? This guy. So say goodbye to any sort of social life, because ain’t nobody got time for that when you have a boss like this. Nonetheless, pro tip for all of you suffering this type of asssholedom: Your boss will usually tell you at the end of the day that he needs you to do an extra shift. Therefore, if you can avoid your boss until you leave for the day, you’re golden.
Has a huge ego:
So what, your boss is 35 years old and manages a bunch of college kids at a frozen yogurt place? He parties way harder than you do, and all of the hot MILFs that walk in the store totally want him. That’s right, this is the overcompensating ego maniac who has to prove to you at every moment that not only is he super rad, but he is way better than you because why else would he be the manager? He still probably lives with his parents, drives a 1980s Chrysler and actually only makes $3 more an hour than you do. He’s the school-yard bully: always trying to make up for the fact that his life sucks by projecting his artificial superiority over you. If it makes you feel any better, he may call himself the boss, but the man probably has to wear a hat made of paper, making his managerial position not as cool as he would like you to think (you are working at a 1950s, ice cream parlor, right?).
Makes you take the fall for something he/she did wrong:
Welcome to the real world kid, where everyone is looking out for himself, and the smallest bit of weakness is exploited. This boss knows that when it comes down to it, he is the person that will receive the blame if things go wrong. So, how to solve the dilemma of having a job that has the responsibility of actually being responsible? Blame you, of course. Not only blame you, but publicly humiliate you in front of your peers. You can’t do anything about it, and your boss knows it. Don’t worry though, this person knows he is in the wrong and will most likely try to privately ensure your silence on the matter. Most likely reward for being the go-to fall guy? A pat on the back and, if you are lucky, a couple of Dave & Buster tokens he had lying in his desk.
Is actually an asshole:
There is no way around this one: Your boss is just an asshole. He treats you like shit and enjoys doing it. Simply put, this person is going to make your life a living hell. So, how do you get back at a person who is the only difference between you eating Ramen every night of the week and being able to afford generic spaghetti? Well, how about this for an idea: Go into work every day with a smile on your face, and be the best employee you can be. Take all of those extra shifts, and volunteer to do whatever grunt work he asks. Offer to wash his car or to babysit his kids for the weekend. Do what you have to do to be the outstanding human being that your boss simply cannot ignore. Do this for a year, and save every dime possible (we suggest about 10 percent of every paycheck). At this point you will unquestionably be his best employee and maybe even his right-hand man. Here is where the fun comes in: First, buy a super-rad jet ski. Second, invite your boss out for drinks and get him drunk. Third, tell him you have a sweet jet ski and that you both should go to the beach to ride it. Fourth, get to the beach and show him how cool your jet ski is. Fifth, ask him if he wants to ride it, and when he says yes, tell him no, he is mean and you no longer want to be friends with him. At that point, ride off into the sunset and go on to become the CEO of Money Street. Because, let’s face it: There is nothing worse than being offered a jet ski ride and then being denied. Except having him for a boss, but you’re fired anyhow.