British woman tries to eat like an American, fails, dislocates jaw
Let's be real about something.
We're fat, you're not. We put meat on top of stuff on top of other stuff on a plate, and unhinge our mega-jowls to ingest it like a motherf-ing boa constrictor. Your delicate euro jaws are more suited for eating, say, a nice spoonful of low-fat yogurt. Your body parts cannot physically handle what ours can. Stop trying to be as fat as us.
Let Nicola Peate, UK lady, serve an example to those who try and fail to reach our unattainable levels of gluttony.
Nicola tried to take on what's called the 'Kids in America' burger at some place called Almost Famous in Liverpool, England. Just the name alone should have warned her of the impending doom, but no. Nicola ordered it, believing she was being 'ironic.' Stupid, stupid Nicola.
The beast arrived, piled high with menacing American favorites like crunchy pretzels and candied bacon. Standing three beef patties tall, its imposing frame towered over more accesible burgers in the joint. A myriad of sauces oozed out of it's charbroiled heart, beckoning to Nicola's watering mouth. She lifted the creature to her lips, pondering how she would fit the thing in her oral orifice without getting any cheesy sauce on her cheeks. Her lips parted, her teeth gnashed, and her jaw opened to the very heights of its being, straining to fit the burger inside when-SNAP. Her jaw wrenched itself out of its jaw-hole, dangling off her mandible in exhaustion. It had given up. First came a searing pain in her tongue. Then came the ear aches, and headaches, and indescribable agony. Nicola, in a state of disbelief, said this:
I didn't think I'd dislocated it – you don't expect it to happen eating a burger! But I tried to eat it with a knife and fork and couldn't. I couldn't open my mouth fully.
Of course you wouldn't expect your jaw to get dislocated from eating a burger...in England. But here in America, we dislocate our jaws for fun. To fit more food in us. We are the fat ones. We are the obscenely obese. Let the plight of Nicola's face serve as an example to all who try to imitate us.
*To be fair, Nicola has a condition called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which makes her joints hyper-flexible and prone dislocation...All the more reason to stick to food that isn't regularly consumed by Americans.
Upon presenting her dislocation to a doctor, her jaw was re-located and she felt better. But, she did say afterward that she would "Stick to canape-sized burgers from now on." Good girl.
According to Liverpool's Juice FM, a spokesperson from Almost Famous (the place who served her the pile of oral destruction) invited Nicola back for a free burger, a deal that would come complete with an "emergency kit" including cutlery and painkillers should she need it. Which she does.