Bum-Vertising: 20 Essential Lessons in Advertising from Hobos

Bum-Vertising: 20 Essential Lessons in Advertising from Hobos

VicesAugust 16, 2013

Everything you need to know about creating a successful ad agency, starring twenty bums with a knack for advertising that would make Don Draper piss himself.

1. No one ever produces great work by themselves- ask for help when you need it.

Get him 20 cc's of a strong antibiotic, stat.

2. Radical transparency always works becaues it humanizes you...

...Except when you're a wizard.

3. Always make yourself readily available to your clients.

"Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck! You're a great listener. Here's a quarter."

4. Use today's cutting-edge technology to your advantage.

Well, we'd like to replace our receptionist with you. Welcome aboard!

5. Keep tabs on your clients and their families. Clients love it when you ask things like, "How's little Clarice? Her birthday was last month wasn't it."

The best gift you could give Britney's sister is the gift of not being Britney's sister.

6. Always look suave and presentable- you want your clients to percieve you as well put together.

Why? So you can do this?

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7. Always use ideas that have legs.

Because if you don't, it'll be hard to kick ass at working!

8. Wine and dine your clients. This gives them the impression that your agency is doing well.

Anyone else thinking Arby's?

9. Clients love to be shown numbers. Always present data numerically.

How could this guy possibly still be horny with three thin cats at home?

10. Go above and beyond to make the client feel taken care of.

Above and beyond the stratosphere! OR ELSE.

11. Make work that no one's ever seen before. If your competitors have seen it, they'll be ready for it.

See what we mean? This work is so good, you can't even see it yet.

12. All your work should have a clear message- what does your client want from their customers?

That's not not young Ron Jeremy.

13. Tell the truth. First, it's a great gimmick. Second, you go to heaven. Third, it moves merchandise because people will trust you.

Clearly, the only thing standing inbetween this man and a freaky threesome is his sobriety.

14. Where possible, make your product an actor in the scene; not just a prop. This makes for a tremendously effective method of getting your product remembered.

This  man has made his face a crucial part of his P.O.S display. And he's right about the prostitution thing.

14. Don't be afraid to charge clients what you're worth.

...$200? Done.

15. Always research your client heavily before signing a contract. You don't want to find out compromising information after-the-fact.

It happens to all of us.

16. Good work should bring a smile to your customer's face.

How about, 'Masturbate if you masturbate.'

17. Give the client a clear sense of who you are as an agency. It's imperative that there be a good culture-fit between agency and client.

We think we'd work nicely together.

18. Don't be afraid to make work that's a litte disruptive. It'll get your customer's attention.

This man has disruptive the ages old practice of sitting on butts.

19. Women account for 85% of consumer purchases in the US. Use them wisely.

Hey, do you guys have a hamburger we could borrow really quick?

20. Safe ideas can kill you. You best chance at success is taking calculated risks.

Safe ideas aren't the only thing that can kill you. RUN.