CHAOS ALERT: Connecticut terrorized by teenagers who still think David Hasselhoff is 'ironic'

CHAOS ALERT: Connecticut terrorized by teenagers who still think David Hasselhoff is 'ironic'

VicesAugust 21, 2013

David Hasselhoff signs are like popularity gold to teenagers. These days, teens enter the Realm of Cool only after pulling of a heist of some sort of 'ironic' item, so their friends admire their slick 'I don't give a shit' attitude or something. Usually, they'll steal something stupid like a stop sign or a dildo. But in this case, the thing that made a group of Hartford, CT teens salivate at the mouth with the prospect of coolness was this:

This is "Hoffee," iced coffee trafficked by David Hasselhoff. All the cool kids would be like, "Cool."

Perhaps that was the motive behind the rash of promotional "Hoffee" sign thefts around Connecticut this week. Signs depicting Mr. Hasselhoff holding an ice-cold coffee were being plucked left and right from the streets of Hartford. The Hoff was certainly being hassled. It was only a matter of time before something went terribly, terribly wrong.

One day; the inevitable. A SUV full of cool-hungry teens locked eyes with a tantalizing "Hoffee" sign outside a local Cumberland Farms, and they knew they wanted it. One of them got out of the SUV and proceeded to cut the "Hoffee" signs down from a light pole, the Hartford Courant reports. The man placed the signs in the SUV, and prepared to floor it into cool oblivion, when a Cumberland Farms employee approached the vehicle, requesting that the Hoff-hasslers give the signs back. The SUV then sped away, and the Cumberland Farms man was somehow caught in a part of the car. He was dragged for a minute, then spun around, flipped backwards and fell, landing on his head. He was critically injured and is currently hospitalized. Senseless chaos in the name of 'cool.'

The Hoff was not amused. He had this to say on Twitter.

Teenagers of the nation, we implore you: What is the price of 'cool'? A David Hasselhoff sign and a critically injured man? David Hasselhoff isn't even that funny anymore. He was 'ironic' like, 10 years ago. At this point, he's just a guy trying to sell you an iced coffee, so get over it. We hope that guy is okay. No one deserves to get hurt over the Hoff.