Colorado is a death trap

Colorado is a death trap

CultureMay 11, 2014

A few dangerous things the square state has to offer, and a heartfelt reminder that Mother Nature hates you.

Poison Ivy

Poison ivy proliferates all over the mountains in the summer and early fall, and if your skin touches it, prepare yourself for a week of excruciating, oozing blisters that itch incessantly. You can avoid the asshole plant by remembering the phrase “leaves of three, let it be,” or never going outside again.

Rattlesnakes

These venomous snakes are common in the hot, arid parts of Colorado, under rocks, in fields, and on anything that gets hot in the sun. But if you or your cute little dog are bitten by one, you’ll be okay … if you get the antivenom in time.

Black Widows

The mountains are crawling with these deadly little pieces of shit, and when they’re not blowing it under logs or piles of rocks, they’re nearly killing you in your basement when you walk face-first into their webs. Helpful hint: neurotically search for them everywhere, all the time.

Mountain Lions

Although most mountain lions would be satisfied with a light dinner of your beloved dog, they will occasionally try to murder you as well. There are hundreds of accounts of Coloradans and their pets being stalked, then attacked by the giant cats. The people usually live, but the pets? Not so much.

Wolverines

If you thought wolverines were just some mythological inspiration for Hugh Jackman’s character in X-Men, think again. These weasel-dog-beasts, although extremely rare, harbor a thirst for blood that’s unmatched in the Rockies, and if you threaten them, your ass is grass.

Bears

Although bears are generally uninterested in human meat and rarely attack unless they’re threatened or defending their young, just imagine what a brush with a mad one would do to your slammin’ bod.

Avalanches

Almost half of US avalanche fatalities since 1950 have occurred in Colorado. Of those deaths, most were snowmobilers and skiers. What we’re trying to say is, you’re fucked.

The Nice Friendly Sun

Being a mile closer to the sun, and boasting more sunny days a year than Florida or Hawaii, Colorado places its people at certain risk for life-threatening sunburns and sun poisoning. Or, if those don’t get you, the rampant skin cancer will. So pass around that SPF 100 if you want to live.

Amanita Muscaria Mushrooms

These mountain-dwelling mushrooms contain several psychoactive compounds, that, unlike psilocybin mushrooms, frequently kill you after a bout of severe sedation, dissociation, and delirium … yet are lovely on pizza once you dry them right.

Unruly Mountain People

Thanks to Colorado’s “Make My Day” law, you can be legally murdered for trespassing on the property of undersocialized mountain people who see your iPhone 5C and Land Rover as imminent threats.

Mine Shafts

You’ll be happy to know that hundreds of people have died by falling into abandoned mine shafts in the mountains, where they either suffocate or are buried by rock debris. Good talk!