Couple's world crumbles after neighborhood Wendy's burns to the ground

Couple's world crumbles after neighborhood Wendy's burns to the ground

VicesOctober 15, 2013

Juicy Baconators weren't the only thing being perfectly char-broiled over an open flame last Thursday in Rib Mountain, Wisconsin. During a world-crumbling blaze, the town Wendy's, supplier of aforementioned Baconators, was lost in an apocalyptic hell-fire that claimed the lives of exactly nobody, but succeeded in seriously fucking up some people's lunch plans. The loss of the Wendy's reduced normally sunny Rib Mountain residents into grief-stricken, burger-less criers as they mourned the loss of one of the neighborhood's most beloved dining halls.

"Right now it makes me just want to cry because I can smell it, I see it, it's really sad," said Mary Waelchli, who had been looking forward to dunking her fries in her Frosty and then eating them when no one was looking. "We love Wendy's, we love coming here, it's just hard to believe that something like that happened."

Mary and her partner in sexual crime, Jim, who had became the faces of disaster-torn havoc last week, had planned to dine at Wendy's for lunch on Friday. But when they arrived, their eyes were confronted with the mangled wreckage of dreams lost. "I see these windows are all broken, I said, my gosh Jim it looks like they had a fire!" said Mary, who was undoubtedly in shock. Were they in some sort of sick dream?" We couldn't believe it. We're so shocked. Because I love eating at Wendy's and it's so sad," said Mary, mirroring the same devastation that the 60+ firefighters from five local station must of felt as they laid the Wendy's to rest. Why hasn't somebody called in the National Guard yet? WHY?

According to Wisconsin's WOAW News, investigators believe the Wendy's burned to the ground as a result of an accident, and cited that arson was an unlikely cause of the fire that cooked a thousand burgers far, far beyond the chef's recommendation of 'medium.' Maybe the blaze was the doing of the ghost of Wendy's father Dave Thomas, who just wanted to char-broil something other than a square beef patty. Maybe it was his memory calling out, "Remember me, you fuckers." But no matter the source of this disaster, one thing's for sure: Jim and Mary will have to enjoy their broccoli-cheese baked potatoes and chicken dunkers in their memories from now on...or drive four miles to Schofield, where another Wendy's, not yet ravaged by flames, sits waiting to embrace them with a warm cup of chili and a side Caesar salad.