The dangerous drink bible: your favorite poisons and how to recover from drinking them

The dangerous drink bible: your favorite poisons and how to recover from drinking them

VicesJanuary 19, 2014

It’s all fun and games until someone gets arrested. Moderation is always the key to a good night, but these drinks make us forget what that word means. Good thing we've figured out why you drink them, and how to salvage your night once you've passed the point of no return.

Hardcore Mixed Drinks (Long Island Ice Tea, Adios Mother Fucker)

Why you do it: It seems like a good way to catch a quick buzz.

What happens: One drink turned into six, but who’s counting? You can hardly taste the four types of alcohol swirling around those maraschino cherries. Before you know it, you’re blacked out, dancing on a table with dollar bills coming out everywhere. Your friends try to collect you, but there’s no point anymore. You are the dancing queen, and you’re fabulous.

Salvaging your night: Dancing, Red Bull and water are your only options at this point. Eventually you’ll see the toad you’re grinding on and call it a night.

Lesson learned: Wear underwear.

Edible Alcohol: (Jello Shots, liquor-infused fruit)

Why you do it: You don’t often get to eat your booze.

What happens: You get excited and choke down shot after shot, but aren’t feeling a thing. Then when you least expect it, the alcohol breaks free of its gelatinous bond and charges into your bloodstream, turning you into the shit-talking asshole you secretly are. They can’t escape your tirade, but they’ll get you back when you pass out at 9 p.m. and they shave your eyebrows.

Salvaging your night: Rest assured, those shots are coming for you. Drink water while you wait.

Lesson learned: There’s not always room for Jello.

Anything Flaming

Why you do it: Because you’re not yellow bellied.

What happens: You get talked into taking a shot of extremely hot liquor and burn an entire layer of skin off of your mouth. You can’t stop drooling or crying, and you should go to the hospital because you probably need skin grafts for a few months. But you won’t because you’re a badass and, “No, really, it doesn’t hurt that bad.”

Salvaging your night: Don’t take another, or it’s goodbye moustache. Order a frozen drink, and start the healing process.

Lesson learned: Play with fire, and you’re gonna get burned.

High Proof Liqueurs: (Jaeger/Goldschlager)

Why you do it: You don’t need a chaser.

What happens: You slug down three shots of alcohol syrup like it’s nothing. Eventually you get stupid horny and luckily meet someone who feels the same. In your anise-induced stupor you give out all of your condoms, and somewhere lose your dignity. You see an empty 20-sack in the trash, and wake up with a black eye, clutching a crummy sandwich bag.

Salvaging your night: Slow down, and make a few mixed drinks. There’s no need to rush things along.

Lesson learned: Always have condoms.

Any Kind of Bomb: (Irish Car, Jaeger, Vegas)

Why you do it: They get the party started.

What happens: The party doesn’t stop. First round ordered, and everyone thinks they’re good ideas. After countless rounds are consumed and holding onto the title of Frank the Tank, you find yourself amongst the Knights of Columbus. That’s right, somehow you ditch your friends, crash a church corned-beef dinner, and everyone’s grandparents watch you shovel cabbage into your mouth. Now you really are going to hell but have absolutely no idea how you got there.

Salvage the night. Drinking something in three seconds is going to fuck you up. Period. Get something to sip on, and take it easy with the bombs.

Lesson learned: Bombs were designed to destroy.

Red Bull Anything

Why you do it: Cocaine is expensive.

What happens: Your goal was to eliminate your sobriety and fatigue once and for all, and you succeed. But the caffeine gets to you, and all of the sudden it’s light outside again. You can’t remember when you started drinking. You’re locked out of your house, your phone’s gone because you threw it to a cabby for fare, and your best friend is walking seven miles home with his new bum-friend, Kevin, right now.

Salvaging the night: When your heart starts beating uncontrollably in your chest, switch to decaf, and eat some food.

Lesson learned: Energy drink or alcohol, pick a side.

Alcohol Orgies: (The Four Horsemen (Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo)/ Liquid Cocaine (151, Goldschlager, Jaeger))

Why you do it: When in Mexico.

What happens: A pretty girl says you can’t hold your liquor, so you order something that was designed to kill half of your taste buds and brain cells at the same time. That should certainly impress her. You never really know what happens but you wake up the next morning patching holes in your hotel room walls with toothpaste and vaguely recalling that a stranger you met at the bar bribed the cops to keep you out of jail.

Salvaging the night: You can’t after these; they grab you by the balls and don’t let go. Stay away, or accept blacking out.

Lesson learned: Pretty faces won’t be with you in a Mexican jail.

Flavored Alcohols: (Fireball, cherry vodka etc.)

Why you do it: It should taste better than plain alcohol.

What happens: Those cherry-vodka lemonades taste like candy until you’re on your knees in the crowded bathroom ralphing Robitussin into a piss-covered toilet; then they kinda taste like humiliation. Your shirt is stained, and you may have hepatitis. You can’t think about it for too long because Arnold Schwarzenegger is there to rip you off of the floor and throw you outside. Sorry, but all your friends are making questionable decisions inside and won’t realize you’re missing for another hour.

Salvaging your night: Drink something without sugar, start utilizing the buddy system, and go dance it off.

Lesson learned: Candy and liquor, never ever been sicker.

Mezcal

Why you do it: Cahones.

What happens: You drink an entire bottle of tequila just to eat the worm. That was smart. So, you “won,” ate the worm and had raunchy sex, trying every position including those illegal in most states, with someone you hoped you knew until the police were called on the noise complaint. Opening the door bleary and naked, you told the cop to fuck off and slammed the door in his face. That was smart too. There’s no cock block like a police man scorned.

Salvaging your night: Stop drinking. Have raunchy sex, but leave the authorities out of it.

Lesson learned: If you were supposed to eat worms, you’d have a beak.

Strong Beer: (IPAs, Porters, Stouts)

Why you do it: It’s just beer.

What happens: You know you should only have a few of these but the flavors are too intense, and there are too many to try. Five, high-percentage beers have your head pounding and mouth throbbing with hops. It’s time to stand up, but gravity is no longer your friend. You manage to get outside and slam face first into the ground. Too bad your wedding’s tomorrow.

Salvaging the night: After a few heavy beers, switch to something lighter. You won’t be able to taste anything anyway.

Lesson learned: Just because it’s beer doesn’t mean it won’t bitch slap you with concrete.