Dear Ibby, I’m bi, and I’m seeing a lesbian girl who doesn’t know I am. Is that something I have to tell her? If so, when?

Dear Ibby, I’m bi, and I’m seeing a lesbian girl who doesn’t know I am. Is that something I have to tell her? If so, when?

SexJanuary 09, 2015

Of course it is, you beautiful fool. Your sexuality is a huge part of who you are, and being open and honest about it with your partner is the foundation of any relationship that doesn’t end in murder-suicide.

It’s hard to really get to know someone without that piece of information. And as for when you should tell her? Oh, you know, like yesterday.

Here’s why: the prevailing ethos for many lesbians is anti-man, meaning that if the girl they’re seeing dreams of dicks, there might be una problema for the relationship. In fact, I just had a conversation with my lezzie friend who told me, “Lesbians HATE sharing their girls with the dick. It’s a pride and ownership thing.”

Similarly, some lesbians may see bisexuality as a pit-stop to full lesbianism. Whether or not that’s true is entirely up to how you see yourself, but I’d imagine the ladies would like to know what they’re working with when it comes to you so they can moderate their own expectations, which is exactly the same protocol a couple of any sexuality would take.

Obviously, that’s not true for all lesbians, but you need to find out what kind of lesbian you’re working with before you decide how and when to tell her. If it’s obvious she’s got a vendetta against vas deferens, tell her right away. You’re probably not what she’s looking for, and she’d appreciate knowing so her time, or yours, isn’t wasted. Let the words flow like tears after a Humane Society commercial.

If she has a more ambiguous or accepting attitude towards men, casually bring it up as soon as the opportunity arises. If she’s flexible about it, you could get into some really kinky shit that I would probably be jealous of (see: invite me).

Another important factor is how important your bisexuality is to you. If it’s a dilute aspect of your personality and an understated part of your day, you may be willing to swear off men while you’re with this particular girl. You can word your bi-sexual reveal to her in terms of that to soften the blow. Something along the lines of “I’ve historically been bi, but I know I just want to be with you.”

Alternatively, if your bisexuality is tantamount to your person, you should make it clear that you can’t be swayed towards any which direction. “Sup gurl I like penises and also your pussy, your move” should sum it up nicely. 

Either way, her reaction to the news will say a lot about whether she’s right for you. And if she’s got a problem with it, you can always tell her she’s free to change your mind. That was a proposed sexual invitation, just so you know.

ALSO: I'm doing videos now. You guys asked like, 1,200 times for video Dear Ibbys so I went and made some, because humiliating myself for your entertainment is what I do best. Check it out here ... more to come soon, too.