Dear Ibby, I’m a girl, and the guy I’m hooking up with is beyond hot and great in bed. He always asks what I want and tries to make me cum, but I get performance anxiety around him and can’t. What do I do?

Dear Ibby, I’m a girl, and the guy I’m hooking up with is beyond hot and great in bed. He always asks what I want and tries to make me cum, but I get performance anxiety around him and can’t. What do I do?

SexApril 12, 2015

Put a bag over that dude’s head. And yours! And mine! Super attractive and sexually generous people can be intimidating, mostly because you think you’re a fluke in their sexual biography. Clearly, you’re not, or they wouldn’t be fucking you repeatedly.

So, rejoice, because there are a few ways you get around the feeling of performance anxiety when you’re with someone like that.

The first way is to realize that does sex not have be about cumming. You know that; you have a vagina. For you and most other women, sex can feel face-meltingly amazing without an orgasm, because female arousal isn’t always climax-based. Sure, sometimes it is, and orgasms are fucking fantastic when they happen, but if you’re reading this and are attached to a pussy, you know that sex can be great even when there’s not a build-up and a release.

Most men don’t understand that. Because guys only know how they feel during sex, which is a building sensation and then a climactic release (usually), they project their own experience of pleasure onto you. It feels great and they want you to feel the same thing that they do. Because of the physiology behind male orgasms, men have very little concept of what pleasure is like when it’s not climactic.

So, in order for you to take the pressure off yourself to “perform” for him, he needs to know that. Use your facehole to explain the ins and outs of your own female pleasure to him. Then, make sure you're also pretty set on the notion that sex doesn't have to lead to orgasm. Fantastic.

Now, the second thing to think about is control. If you put yourself in a situation where you’re responsible for your own pleasure and there’s nothing he can do about it, it’ll take the pressure off you to perform.

Obviously, I’m talking about tying him up. Blindfold the dude. BDSM! Party on, Wayne. Make sure there’s nothing he can do but lie there and take it (consensually).

Or, if you guys aren’t into that, you can use mind control to assert your dominance over him so when you’re fucking, you’ll know that while he’s trying to control your pleasure, you’re controlling him. Establishing dominance in whatever way you can will help with your brand of performance anxiety because the what happens is up to you and it’s irrelevant whether he’s hot or good in bed because he either can’t move or you have him wrapped around your finger mentally.

You can cum if  and when you want when he’s not in a position to “make you do it." If you don’t, that’s fine, because you’re fucking him how you want to, not how he wants you to.

Also, masturbate in front of him without him touching you so you can get used to coming in front of him ... which is just another way of establishing control.

Okay. You good? Good.