Dear Ibby, I hate my friend’s fiance. What should I do?
I fucking hate my friend’s fiance. He treats her like shit and I don’t think they should get married. What should I do?
Have you ever heard that expression, “If you can’t do anything about it, keep watching MasterChef and try to clip your fingernails with your non-dominant hand?” No? That’s because I just made it up, but man, does it apply well to your situation.
Here’s the thing: your friend’s fiance may be a dipwad shitmaster, but the only thing you actually have jurisdiction to do in this situation is be there for her.
That’s it. Seeing as how he’s an awful fuckman, though, I’d try to be there for her extra. That means being especially vigilant about keeping in touch with her and making sure she’s okay. Be present and empathetic and enthusiastic about your friendship, like a little ray of sunlight in her life. Trust that your presence and availability will enable her to seek you out for help should she actually need it. Only once she’s asked you to do something can you actually do something.
I know this may sees too passive, but people are often blind to the assholery of the people they love. Thanks to manipulation or feelings of low self-worth, they see their horrible partners as their only option, or they convince themselves the mistreatment they’re suffering is just part of being in love. Your friend is going to need to see this for herself and realize that she’s in a bad situation on her own, and nothing you say or do is going to change that. She clearly got engaged to this person for a reason, and it's not because she thinks he's as big of an asshole as you do ... it'll take more than a few strong words on your part to sway her opinion.
It’s okay to tactfully express some initial concern, but beyond that, pushing the issue will only alienate you from her, and place you in even less of a role where you may be able to help her when she needs you to. So, put your opinion and pride aside and focus on how to be there for her, not what you think is best for her and her life (even if you’re right).
Big caveat, though: you don’t mention what kind of asshole this guy is — I'm not sure whether he’s verbally or physically abusive to her or if he's just a garden variety dipshit. If he's physically hurting your friend or she’s in danger of that happening, that's when you should take action. However, in sensitive, volatile situations like that, you still can't just rush in and insert yourself between them under the auspices of her protection; doing that could place both of you in danger with him if he is, in fact, abusive or violent.
There are ways to go about getting her away from him that ensure her safety and protection, and you should research them heavily before you do anything brash, but still ... you need her implicit consent and desire to escape him to do this. She still has to realize for herself that she's in a bad place. You can't drag her away from a relationship forever; if she wants to be with this person despite the abuse, she will find a way. A great resource you can go to for help on this front is he National Domestic Abuse Hotline.
Sorry to hear your friend is in a shitty situation. I hope she sees the light soon, but until then, do everything you can to be a good, attentive, caring friend and keep your thoughts about that whorewhole fuckfather to yourself.
And yes, you can use my insult “whorehole fuckfather” any time you like.