Dear Ibby, I know you’re supposed to tell your partner what you want in bed … but that really kills the mood sometimes. How do you get around that?

Dear Ibby, I know you’re supposed to tell your partner what you want in bed … but that really kills the mood sometimes. How do you get around that?

SexAugust 05, 2015 By Isabelle Kohn

Telling someone exactly what you want and how to do it is the shortest distance between you  and a mind-exploding orgasm. But, getting technical can dampen the mutual boner for two reasons.

First, it implies they don’t know what they’re doing, which is sad.

Second, the technical/logistical directions take away from the spontaneity, in part because it’s bossy and in part because it’s instructional.

But guess what, fuckers? Toooo bad. People inherently want to please each other, and I can say with an inflated degree of certainty that dropping hints to them about how they can do that would be much appreciated … regardless of how awkward that conversation is. Because, children, no one is psychic and not everyone has had life experiences that lead them to a perfect understanding of your mind and body. Most of the time, you have to be the sherpa and guide them like a professional human being who knows what they want in bed. 

If someone takes direction as an insult to them, that’s their own pea-brained problem; you can’t control how people react to your honesty.

But … but! Before you start barking orders, give them a chance to do it right. Fuck them a time or three and see if they’re capable of intuiting what you need, because if they are, that can be insanely hot. If they miss the mark consistently, that’s when you start giving directions. Be nice about it, and phrase what you want as a playful suggestion, rather than as an accusation of something they’re not doing right. Sometimes, you might have to physically show them what to do and demonstrate the kind of touch you want on them. 

However, if you have a really specific fetish or desired scenario that transcends the normal hookup script of “kiss-finger-suck dick-salad toss-fuck,’ then be forthcoming right off the bat. No one’s gonna magically deduce that you want to suck Bugles off their toes while they call you Conchita.