Dear Ibby, I often drift off mentally during sex. How do you stay present while someone is pounding your hole?

Dear Ibby, I often drift off mentally during sex. How do you stay present while someone is pounding your hole?

SexJune 02, 2015

Wow, I don’t know who you’re having sex with, but it’s either a ghost, a tiny ghost or the Indian in the Cupboard. You know, from childhood?

Anyway, assuming it’s neither your partner’s molecular size nor disembodiment that’s making you drift off, here’s what you can do to get your mind back in the game ...

First: mood and foreplay are two super-ultra-mega important things to consider when it comes staying present. The more turned on you are, the more likely you are to think about the impending sex to come.

If you’re not in the mood or you’re pretty “meh” about fucking, your head’s already out of the game.  Make sure you’re in a place where you feel comfortable, confident and relaxed, and that your partner takes whatever measures they have to to turn you on. For some of you, that may not even involve anything sexual; it could be a massage, listening to their Bill Clinton impression, or simply looking into each other’s eyes and kissing.

Then, once you’re horny, hold off for as long as you can stand it before you fuck so your arousal becomes paramount to your thought process.

Second, try new things. Fuck in a new place or with a new person. It’s so, so goddamn easy to drift off and start considering whether your cat needs wet or dry food to help with their gingivitis if you’re fucking in the same place and position you always do.

Third ... you said the word “pounding.” If you’re not into the jackhammer varietal of thrust, that kind of touch can feel impersonal, which can remove you from the experience. Have your partner slow down and try a smoother, more deliberate thrust, maybe in a face-to-face position where you can connect mentally and genitally. High five.

Fourth, blindfold yourself (or have them blindfold you … I don’t know your life). By taking away one of your senses, your other senses become heightened, and you can really focus on the ones that are left over, which in this case is touch. If you want to get really weird, you can earplug yourself too.

Last way? Fantasize. If the sex you’re having is so blah that you’re trying to remember how long division works while you’re getting “pounded,” bring yourself back in the game by pretending you’re having the sex of your dreams. If it’s always been your lifelong dream to bone Pauly Shore or something, pretend Pauly is pounding you. Being mentally present during sex doesn’t mean you have to focus on reality, just that you’re able to get what you want out of the sex you’re having.

And fuck, if none of this works, use that time to meditate or think about something useful like how you’d escape out of jail if all you were given was a nail file, some floss and a butt plug.