Dear Ibby: If guys have to get a hand job, this is how they want it done

Dear Ibby: If guys have to get a hand job, this is how they want it done

SexMay 26, 2015

Of all the hand-to-dick activities man and his fellow homo sapien counterparts undertake, hand-jobs are undoubtedly the most derisive. Some men love them, some men hate them, and some men are only down for a good HJ when it's in church.

Men and their dicks, amiright? The relationship is a constant mystery, but a mystery I wanted solved. So, what did I do? Well, precious, I texted every guy who wasn’t my dad or part of my office’s HR team and asked them what they thought about hand jobs, essentially so I could learn how to give one, you know, if I had to.

Honestly, I was truly surprised, not only by the number of responses I got (and some photos, thanks, really; I've never seen a dick before), but by the amount of new information they contained. I have literally never thought about some of the stuff my male iPhone contacts told me — and I have to say I learned a lot.

There was so much new information that I actually had to split up responses into three categories: men's opinions on HJs, advice they have for the people who give them, and also some advice they had for other men who have their own dangling flesh tubes.

Let's get into it.

Section 1: Techniques

1. The first thing to know about hand jobs is that hand jobs should just be head. Most of the guys I talked to assumed that a hand job was like an opening act for head. They also weren't shy about expressing their sheer, undying love for fellatio. BREAKING NEWS: GUYS LOVE HEAD. Wow, mind blown, meaning of life questioned.

2. Hand jobs actually thoroughly annoy most men. The most common reason for this seems to be that no girl can do it better than they can. This cracked me up until I realized that, after having guys fumbling to deal with my clit for my entire life, I know what they mean.

3. Because of their beginner-ish nature, hand jobs feel childish and inexperienced to guys, who want to feel like grown-ass men during sex ...

4. ... Although for some men, that can be a turn on. The "getting away with something" aspect of it can be really hot, especially in situations where you can't fuck either because you're not ready or because one of you put your penis in a hot tub jet and it still looks like an exploded strawberry.

5. How much a guy hates vs. tolerates hand jobs has a lot to do with who’s giving them. It appears that if a guy likes the person who's beating them off, everything's fine. It's chill. But if it's a random person, it's unbearable and the worst thing that ever happened them since they discovered they're a carrier for the male pattern baldness gene.

6. Consistent rhythm is clutch. Pick a rhythm and stay with it. Stay away from jack-hammering his penis, especially if he's uncircumcised (foreskin yanking feels like dying).

7. Focus on the head. That's where the nerve endings are. The base of the dick is cool, but not as cool as the head. So many guys I talked to sounded like girls who were frustrated that their pussies weren't getting touched right ... they were like "my head is right there, can she not see it?" See it. Know it. Love it. Life.

8. Do things he can't. One of the most irritating things about hand jobs for men is that no one can do it better than themselves, so incorporate some moves into your HJ that they can't do. Run your tits (or butt or dick if you're a dude) along his cock, twist your wrist a little, lick it every now and then, press it up against your labia or butthole but don't put it in, etc.

9. Unless you’re in middle school, hand jobs should never be the main event, but they can keep things going in transitional moments. Use them to punctuate the space between doggy and flying-lotus-skyscraper-pug or whatever the fuck kind of positions you kids are doing these days.

10. For the love of God, use lube. One guy I talked to compared lube-less hand jobs to scraping your legs on asphalt, which I'm sure is a blatant exaggeration, but you get the point.

11. It doesn't feel that good when you're in front of them. Because of the way your arms are positioned when you're stroking from that angle, it feels unnatural and unfamiliar. The best position to be in is one where you can mimic his arm angle, which is really only when you're sitting or laying somewhat behind him to the side. Be the big spoon. Do it. Ugh.

12. The only time most men think hand jobs are cool are when you're trying to hook up in public. Movie theaters, parties, concerts, while driving ... I could go on. Generally, in those spaces, any sort of sexual contact is better than no sexual contact, and the feeling of getting away with something can be really awesome. It's weird, I know, but hand jobs might be the only sexual act that has less use in the bedroom than it does at like, Home Depot or sitting next to a quincenera after-party in the park. Pervert.

13. If you do, for whatever reason, feel like giving one in private, know this: Hand jobs aren’t worth giving unless you’re really into it, so show that you are. Maintain eye contact, breathe heavily, touch yourself and do whatever you have to do to make him feel like you're enjoying this. Most guys will go along with anything if their partner's into it, so if you want to make the world's shittiest sex act less shitty and maybe even kind of memorable, act as down as you are.

14. Give yourself a hand job. Nearly 105.663 percent of the men I talked to said they'd like hand jobs more if their partner was also getting themselves off. That's a lot of multitasking, but with great power comes great responsibility.

Section 2: What men really think about hand-to-dick combat

Great. Now that we've gone over ways to un-suck-ily dole out HJs, let's take a look at what some men actually said to me about them:

"They're cool if you also put your mouth on it." - Warren, 34

“When I’m getting a hand job I’m just praying it’s a lead-in to head. If it’s not, I get so depressed.” - Brian, 24

"Pointless. I will put up with them if they are quickly leading to something else or if the girl's into it, but they really don't do much for me." - Aaron, 25

“Super awkward when it’s just the HJ. I mean, come on, we’re not in middle school. And don’t get me started on the dry HJ. I can barely pull that off by myself, and I’ve been practicing for 22 years.” - David, 31

"If they come from a place of love they can light even the darkest corners of a dungeon ... but I can think of a bunch of more useful ways to spend 20 seconds." - Max, 29

"I think they're cool if they're done correctly ... 99 percent of girls do not have the rhythm. Keeping it consistent is key." - Rob, 26

"Chicks always focus on the base, but there are very few nerve endings there. Focus on the head if you're gonna do it at all." - Sam, 22

"I kind of like them because they maintain physical contact when you're switching things around ... like if you change positions, it can be hot if she gives me a short hand job in between." - Ricky, 21

“I think the main reason why I don’t like hand jobs is because the girl’s positioning/placement is all wrong; it doesn't mimic  that of when a guy is masturbating. That is, unless she’s behind me so her arm mirrors the placement of mine. Otherwise, the opposing position and placement does not seem to match the natural curvature of a penis. Too much yanking, instead of a more natural stroke." - Seth, 28

"Good for public spaces where you want each other but have to be discreet." - Randy, 26

“I can seriously enjoy a hand job if the girl is playing with herself at the same time. It gives me something else to focus on so I don’t think about how boring it feels.” - Bowen, 29

Section 3: Advice for men, from other men. How sweet.

A lot of guys I talked to/ drunk texted answered my question "What do you think about hand jobs" in the form of advice for other men, which was something I found interesting. Gentlemankind has a collective interest in each other's dick friction activities! Here are some things they said:

1. Don’t rip your own dick off. Some men tend to destroy their own penises' sensitivity with the death-grip they use on themselves when they masturbate. This is why, according to men, women give bad HJs. Women get tired, and their wrists ache too much to simulate the vice-grip dudes use on themselves. So if you ever want to enjoy the controversial pleasure of a HJ, go easy on yourself, champ.

2. Sometimes, you just have to show someone how to do it. If a guy doesn't like the the rhythm or the grip a girl has on their dick, sometimes they'll wrap their hand around the hand job giver's and show them how fast or hard or soft they want them to go. Really, that's the best way to enjoy a hand job; no one's psychic, no one knows exactly the type of touch you need, so show them.

Section 4: Lessons Learned

From talking with these men, I got the idea that most of them hate hand jobs, but see them as useful in some situations. There are ways to do them better, but at the end of the day, they're praying to God for a much wetter hole to materialize.

If you have to give one because you're a nun or a 15-year-old, that's fine; I'm sure the owner of the penis you're jerking will be grateful, but lube that tube (ew why did I say that) and focus on the head.

Life lessons, man.