Dear Ibby, The more I think about it, the more I think I might be asexual. How weird does that make me? What do I do?
That depends entirely on whether your definition of “weird” is one of prevalence, or the fact that if Adriana Lima or David Beckham wanted to love you down while “Pony” by Ginuwine played, you’d rather take a nap.
Let’s talk about the prevalence part first. Approximately 1 percent of Americans identify as asexual. That’s roughly 3.1 million people, or about 42 Broncos stadiums filled with your kind. Or 4,787 Boeing 747 jets. Or the entire population of Iowa. When you look at it like that, you’re popular as fuck! And that’s only the amount of people that report an asexual identity, so I’m assuming the number is much greater.
Quick primer for my ig’nant readers: Asexuality is just as a lack of sexual attraction towards a partner or object. Asexuals still maintain loving, intimate relationships with people; they just do it without sex. The attraction they feel toward others exists on an emotional level, although they definitely appreciate physical beauty. They build intimacy through conversation, shared interests and non-sexual physical touch like hugging or cuddling. Just like you when you have whiskey-dick!
Too many people make the mistake of thinking asexuals are that way because they haven’t had good sex or they’re dumb. Most asexuals have had great, insanely good sex, but they’ve lost interest in it or don’t see it as a necessity. This can be either a personal choice or something someone was born with. So, now back to you. Just be open and honest with potential partners about the fact that getting poked with their raging boner or poking their wet pussy is as interesting as getting poked on Facebook. Clearly, most people aren’t going to be all like, “Great! Let’s live together for the next 20 years, weaving baskets and never touching!” But if you look in the right places, someone will. There are all kinds of sites for asexuals where you can find other people looking to hug, not hit it. Or you might find someone who’s not asexual, but thinks you’re really funny or smart or wealthy and loves you even if you don’t sit on their face on the reg.
Other than that, you’re just a normal human, toiling around in the filth and ruin of modern society just like the rest of us. Only you’re herpes-free and our junk looks like lava.