Dear Ibby, My boyfriend always comes before I do, and I feel like I never get to finish. What should I do?

Dear Ibby, My boyfriend always comes before I do, and I feel like I never get to finish. What should I do?

SexApril 27, 2014

Sorry, let me dry my eyes really fast because that's sad and now I'm crying. Okay, okay, I'm good. Yeah, it's really unfortunate that sex just ends suddenly once the guy comes. No matter how close you are to getting off, or how horny you continue to be, once they're done, you're fucked, quite un-literally.

Which is surprising, because you're doing him a favor by letting him touch you. The least he can do is get you off, because you sure as hell didn't miss an episode of Cosmos with legendary astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson so you could almost come.

If you've got a penis and you're reading this, I just want you to know something. Female blue balls exist. They're not as physically painful as male blue balls, but what they lack in physical discomfort, they make up in bloodcurdling irritation. And hey, I get it. Sometimes when you're fucking, you can't help coming before she does. Maybe the girls boobs bounce around in a certain way, or maybe now that you've put a paper bag over her head you the experience has become wholeheartedly more enjoyable, but either way, it's too much to handle and ouila, you've released 3 billion potential half-humans into the condom tip. That's fine. You're genetically programmed to bust in a short period of time. I mean, just a few hundred years ago, you could be boning, and a saber tooth tiger would come along and eviscerate you before you had the chance to spread your seed. So the fact that the average ejaculation time is 5-7 minutes isn't surprising.

But, now that we're in the modern age and saber tooth tigers have been mostly eradicated except for in your acid trips, coming in the time it takes to say "Are you on birth control?" is no longer useful. Today, you achieve the greatest potential of passing on your genetic lineage by doling out pleasure, especially pleasure to completion. Because whereas hundreds of years ago, free love was the name of the game, today's girls are harder to bang. So if you can convince one to go anywhere near you, you want to increase you chances of going near her again. Or, if not her, one of her friends. The more girls see you as capable of giving pleasure, the more likely they are to let you keep banging them and fulfilling your evolutionary need to fuck in a modern setting. Recap: female pleasure = more sex for you.

That brings us to my main point, which I've conveniently placed at the end of this article for everyone with ADHD. If you come before your chick (or dude, or hybrid dude-chick), get them off after you do if they're still horny. Yeah, maybe your dick's going flaccid at this point, but what do you think all those extra appendages attached to your hands are for? Basic survival and the propagation of culture as we know it? Please. They're for fingering. Oh, you say you you lost all 10 of your fingers in a factory accident? Not an excuse. That's why toys and tongues are for. What I'm trying to say, is you have a bunch of extra body parts and non-body parts you can use to get your chick off.

So to the lady that asked this question, tell him that. Maybe a little nicer, like "I'm so close to coming, can you please, please, please finger me?" or "That felt so good, I don't want to stop," would be good, but if he doesn't get the hint, have a talk with him about it. Tell him that sex with him feels fucking amazing, and he makes you want to come everywhere ... you just need a little extra time to get there. Most dudes are so flabbergasted that they have the ability to get you off that they'll modulate their own pleasure to satisfy you ... all it takes is a little communication. And if he's still not focusing on getting you off at least some of the time, then I hope he's rich enough to rationalize you fucking him, or that there's a really great dildo store near you.